Posts Tagged ‘betrayal’

I read the words on my monitor and all I could think of was that it wasn’t real. I must have nodded off on the couch this Sunday afternoon and was dreaming. I just needed to wake-up and the horror would be gone and the memory would only be that of a nightmare.

I blinked several times and knew that I was awake. Of course I knew that, but when betrayal hits, you can’t fathom it. It doesn’t make sense. You have no warning. Being a native of California, I was quite familiar with earthquakes. One moment everything is as it should be; the next moment, everything was moving. It always takes a few seconds to figure out why you are suddenly dizzy and why a book jumped off the shelf.

But the words were real. I had written them. I had sent them privately to a friend whom I had known for years and years. I had been troubled for a long time. She was my confidant and was one of the few people who I could let my guard down with, talk things out and know all would be better once I did.

The email was written to repair a transgression I had committed months before. This was not uncommon for me to admit when I was wrong and had erred. I had not harmed her but I needed help and advice, so I told her all about it.

Everything I had done, felt and thought was in that email. I had revealed my sins in great detail and was seeking forgiveness and comfort.

Instead she copied and posted my email on her blog.

For 7 billion people to read and comment.

The trolls arrived in full force. I was ridiculed, trashed, mocked and dragged through the mud from people who didn’t even know me. People flocked to it and then began to email me.

I was judged for being human who had made a mistake and was trying to rectify it. I had committed a reprehensible and unforgivable sin – I had been honest.

She had also given them my email and then sent another one to everyone I knew. It was 3 pages long and she trashed me once again. Hundreds of my friends received it.

My friend had done this to me and to this day, I do not know why.

And then an amazing thing happened before I could even think about what was going on.

My friends circled the wagons around me. They did it quietly and quickly.

Not one of them mentioned it to me or brought it up. Not one word was written or spoken, but random text messages came with smiles, goofy faces and funny jokes.

Wherever I went, I was given random hugs and kisses on my forehead with no words spoken.

Just a deep understanding and acceptance of who I am and who I am NOT.

Out of the madness, grace and beauty arrived in the form of smiles and laughter. I had the wonderful and exhilarating freedom of the entire planet knowing my deepest and darkest secrets and I didn’t care.

I realized I didn’t care what people knew about me or what they thought.

The betrayal had set me free and to this day, I’m glad it happened because I was lucky enough to find out who my friends are and who has my back.

And I refused to stop trusting people because that is who I am. The only one that can hurt me is me. No one else has that power over me.

Those that bash, mock and betray others are in their own prison that they made for themselves.

Let them stay there and should you walk by them once in a while, throw them a piece of raw meat. It’s fun to watch them scamper for it and stomp over each other to get it.

And as you walk away, smile and be grateful that you know who you are and who your friends are.

And never stop being you. Don’t let it change you in a negative way, for that is the true loss you shall suffer. Not the betrayal but the giving up of yourself because of it. You are the only one that can give away your integrity. No one can take it from you.

No. Hold your head up high and say “Yep, I did that and that and that. So what?”

Because what people accuse you of tells you what they have been up to.

You need not look further.

It’s on them and let them have it with a great big smile on your face.

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“You left me alone with two psychos?”

Posted: February 9, 2013 in jail
Tags: ,

That moment when you realize you have suddenly turned from adviser to prey is a bit indescribable. It’s a mixture of fear and panic with an increase in your senses and awareness.

You are suddenly completely in the moment and it is extremely uncomfortable because everything around you is screaming for your attention. What you smell, what you see and what you feel are overwhelming.

It is complete overload of your senses and you can’t stop it.

Your body automatically tenses up and begins to flee. It slams into your mind to override it and force you to run. Because the mind is being held hostage by your endocrine system and the adrenaline rushing through your body and your increased heart rate, you could run right into a wall or door.

It’s called panic and it’s why some people do stupid things when it hits.

The mind is struggling to analyze a solution and the body has started to run away and has told your mind to stop thinking and start running.

That was happening to me as I sat across from the two brothers I was working with. Jimmie was 13 and Stan was 16 and I suddenly knew what they were planning to do to me.

I might not leave the room alive.

I wasn’t supposed to be alone with them in a room down the hall where no one could see or hear us.

At night.

With no phone.

I was supposed to have my friend Melissa with me.

I was supposed to have their parents with me.

I was supposed to be in a room next to the reception area and in full view of the entire staff.

I was supposed to have male protection at all times.

I had none of these things and I was a sitting duck.

Melissa had blown me off with no explanation. The parents had dropped the kids off because there had been a family emergency and weren’t attending the “Parenting Course” I was doing with them and their 2 sons.

The room we were usually in had been closed due to a water leak, so I was put in a small room at the end of the hall in an area that was closed off in the evening.

There were no staff around in the Community Center in this wing. No one was going to come by and check-in on me.

I had made an extremely grave and stupid error.

I was alone with two psychopaths who were now looking at me as prey. The conversation had suddenly turned sexual as they cast their eyes on me and smiled.

Stan moved closer and put his hand on my arm while Jimmie got up and closed the door.

The smiles never left their faces.

“Please leave the door open Jimmie,” I said. My voice was weak and high. I cleared my throat.

Stan tightened his grip on my arm.

“Nah, it’s OK Susan. We just want it to be quiet,” he said and sat down on the other side of me.

Jimmie reached over and put his hand on my other arm. I tried to pull it back. He held it harder.

My heart beat was so loud in my ears that I thought they could hear it. My mouth went dry and I wanted to cry. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them again.

They saw the fear in me and their smiles grew wider.

This was what they wanted. Terror.

I couldn’t stop it. My mind was racing too fast and my body was trying to jump out of the chair and run.

I could not think for a moment. I sat quietly and shuddered as they stroked my arms up and down.

“You look nervous Susan. No need to be. We’re just talking here, right Jimmie?”

“Uh huh. Just talking. That’s all,” he said and moved closer to me.

I thought about my dogs that I couldn’t leave homeless. My parent’s faces flashed through my mind. They had already lost one child and I had to make sure they didn’t lose another one. They would not be able to survive it. I thought of my friends and family and how much they needed me.

But I thought hardest that it was not my day to die and my vow that I would never go through another beating ever again.

I smiled as best as I could and leaned back a bit and crossed my legs. I tried as hard as I could to not show my fear and tried to express my interest in them.

“I like how that feels,” I said to Stan as I looked at his hand running up and down on my arm. “Don’t stop doing that.”

He stopped and looked at me. For one moment his grip relaxed on my arm. I turned and smiled at Jimmie.

“That feels nice,” I said.

He stopped.

I was 15 feet from the door but would have to run past them to get to it. I would never make it.

“Maybe we could continue our conversation after I get my notepad from my purse,” I said and smiled.

They looked at each other. Stan nodded and leaned back against his chair. Jimmie did the same thing.

I got up and as slowly as I could, I walked towards my purse. I prayed he hadn’t locked the door. “I am so glad it’s just the 3 of us tonight,” I said. My heart was going to come out of my chest and I knew I was about to have a heart attack.

“Yeah, so are we,” said Jimmie and they both laughed.

I wondered why psychopaths always have the strangest laugh.

I reached into my purse. I was 3 feet from the door. I picked it up and turned around.

They were both staring at me. “OK, well somewhere in here I have my notes,” I said as I pretended to look through my purse and walk back towards them.

As soon as I was in front of the door, I grabbed the knob and turned the handle.

It wasn’t locked.

I walked through the door. Once I was out, I ran down the hall.

I blew through the doors at the end and ran over to the reception area where William was sitting.

He looked up at me and started to say something and then stopped.

“You OK Susan? You’re out of breath..”

“I’m fine. I just have to leave suddenly. I left those 2 kids in there, so you should go get them and bring them out here. Sorry, but I have to run,” I said. I looked behind me and they weren’t there.

I got in my car, locked my doors and got onto the freeway as quickly as possible. A few exits later, I drove to a gas station, parked my car and cried for 20 minutes.

When I got home, I called Melissa to find out what happened.

She never called me back but a week later she sent me a fax saying she was sorry but just didn’t feel like doing this anymore.

I read that fax several times. I grabbed my phone and called her. She didn’t answer so I left her a voice mail, letting her know that she had left me alone with 2 psychos and had endangered my life.

After 3 years of working together, I found out I was blown off because she wanted to be with a man she had met at work. Not only had she kicked me to the curb, she had done the same thing to her husband.

I never heard from her again and I never went back to the Community Center. I cancelled the course and refunded the money.

I was done.

I learned to never to depend on another person. They come and go in your life. Some will stay but most will not.

At the end of the day, your only asset is yourself.

People either enhance your life or they steal from it. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground as far as I have seen.

Six months later those 2 brothers were charged and convicted of rape.

Always trust your gut.

Do not trust anyone who tells you otherwise.