“Well, as long as you had your reasons for betraying me, then I guess it’s OK, right?”

Posted: June 11, 2013 in Self-esteem, self-respect
Tags: ,

I read the words on my monitor and all I could think of was that it wasn’t real. I must have nodded off on the couch this Sunday afternoon and was dreaming. I just needed to wake-up and the horror would be gone and the memory would only be that of a nightmare.

I blinked several times and knew that I was awake. Of course I knew that, but when betrayal hits, you can’t fathom it. It doesn’t make sense. You have no warning. Being a native of California, I was quite familiar with earthquakes. One moment everything is as it should be; the next moment, everything was moving. It always takes a few seconds to figure out why you are suddenly dizzy and why a book jumped off the shelf.

But the words were real. I had written them. I had sent them privately to a friend whom I had known for years and years. I had been troubled for a long time. She was my confidant and was one of the few people who I could let my guard down with, talk things out and know all would be better once I did.

The email was written to repair a transgression I had committed months before. This was not uncommon for me to admit when I was wrong and had erred. I had not harmed her but I needed help and advice, so I told her all about it.

Everything I had done, felt and thought was in that email. I had revealed my sins in great detail and was seeking forgiveness and comfort.

Instead she copied and posted my email on her blog.

For 7 billion people to read and comment.

The trolls arrived in full force. I was ridiculed, trashed, mocked and dragged through the mud from people who didn’t even know me. People flocked to it and then began to email me.

I was judged for being human who had made a mistake and was trying to rectify it. I had committed a reprehensible and unforgivable sin – I had been honest.

She had also given them my email and then sent another one to everyone I knew. It was 3 pages long and she trashed me once again. Hundreds of my friends received it.

My friend had done this to me and to this day, I do not know why.

And then an amazing thing happened before I could even think about what was going on.

My friends circled the wagons around me. They did it quietly and quickly.

Not one of them mentioned it to me or brought it up. Not one word was written or spoken, but random text messages came with smiles, goofy faces and funny jokes.

Wherever I went, I was given random hugs and kisses on my forehead with no words spoken.

Just a deep understanding and acceptance of who I am and who I am NOT.

Out of the madness, grace and beauty arrived in the form of smiles and laughter. I had the wonderful and exhilarating freedom of the entire planet knowing my deepest and darkest secrets and I didn’t care.

I realized I didn’t care what people knew about me or what they thought.

The betrayal had set me free and to this day, I’m glad it happened because I was lucky enough to find out who my friends are and who has my back.

And I refused to stop trusting people because that is who I am. The only one that can hurt me is me. No one else has that power over me.

Those that bash, mock and betray others are in their own prison that they made for themselves.

Let them stay there and should you walk by them once in a while, throw them a piece of raw meat. It’s fun to watch them scamper for it and stomp over each other to get it.

And as you walk away, smile and be grateful that you know who you are and who your friends are.

And never stop being you. Don’t let it change you in a negative way, for that is the true loss you shall suffer. Not the betrayal but the giving up of yourself because of it. You are the only one that can give away your integrity. No one can take it from you.

No. Hold your head up high and say “Yep, I did that and that and that. So what?”

Because what people accuse you of tells you what they have been up to.

You need not look further.

It’s on them and let them have it with a great big smile on your face.

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Comments
  1. Pashta says:

    One of the reasons I have only a few friends.

  2. shopaholicann says:

    As ever, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Words…they’re bu**!*s sometimes but rest assured that she’ll get payback someday, some way, ’tis the way of the world.

  3. There you go again! A beautifully written post! 🙂

  4. Alan Andrews says:

    Wow. Difficult, painful, and ultimately healing. Thanks for sharing.

  5. westgapeachpit says:

    Susan

    I’ve been really betrayed-not on THAT magnificent scale-but betrayed, none the less. By the very people who are “supposed” to be at your back-your mom and sister. Oh, I’ve had “friends” who did it-and I subsequently dropped the “r” when describing them. To this day, I’m slow to allow people to get really close to me. Those kinds of wounds may scar over, but they never fully heal. One reason is because the perp continually asks for renewed trust and access-so you stay angry and raw. It’s hard to forgive when you can’t get enough distance between you!

    So I know where you are coming from-and where you are. I’ve found friends who are-truly are-closer than family and who will go to the mat for me. We laugh, we cry, we’re there for each other, we keep each other’s pets and children, and celebrate/mourn life together. My BF and I laugh that the angels screwed up-we were supposed to be sisters, but they put us into the wrong families!

    Blood is supposed to be thicker than water-but you can choose your friends and you can’t choose your relatives. In my case, my friends are much closer. Thank GOD for my BFFs!

  6. Taking a blow like that and becoming stronger for it…inspiring post.

  7. What a painful way to find out who your true friends are. But I’m glad you did have their support, at a time when you needed it so much.

  8. Grace says:

    Wow. I so understand this pain. Well written and kudos to you for taking the positive and running with it. I recently have been having a “good go” at social suicide (cas I’m too damn honest, raw, and real haha) Thanks for showing me the light and inspiring me to keep on in spite of the mean girls. Peace 😀