Posts Tagged ‘child abusers’


Posted: April 10, 2015 in jail
Tags: , ,

Her cuts were strong and deep. No hesitation marks. No second thoughts. Just clean, firm, and deep. The decision was made and she carried it out. Her room was clean and tidy. What few bills she had were paid. Her laundry was done and placed in bags. She didn’t have money for suitcases, but that didn’t matter. Everything was perfect. Her bed was made. She even fluffed the pillows and smoothed out the blankets

A note had been left to give all of her belongings to her daughter, but she didn’t know where she was or if she was even alive. She had given her up for adoption and never looked at her face. Her daughter was the result of rape, but there had been so many, there was no way to know who the sperm donor was, not that it mattered. She left her medical records next to her note, just to make it easier for everyone.

She had started out as a normal and happy child. Just like most of us, but she was snatched away by an insane and drug addicted mother when she was 5. She was often sold to men to pay for her mother’s addiction. Soon that beautiful child was turned into nothing more than a bartering tool. What humanity she had been born with was soon gone.

I remember her dead eyes and slouched shoulders. But that’s all I remember. She wasn’t anyone who stood out, who said anything, or did anything remarkable except one thing:

She learned how to disappear. I don’t know how she was able to do this, but often times, she would be sitting there and yet you never really saw her. You would forget she was taking up space. Your eyes would scan the room and yet you’d never see her.

On her last day of life, I imagine she may have smiled. I like to think she did. I can’t say what she did was right or wrong, though I wish she had stayed. I wish her life had turned around enough to give her hope. I wish she had called, but I’m not surprised she didn’t.

She was made into nothing at an early age.

She had disappeared years before she slit her wrists.

Turning abusers into victims?

Posted: November 13, 2012 in jail
Tags: ,

She was petite and quiet. Almost never said a word in class but listened intently. Her short brown hair was messy and her bangs were too long. They fell over her eyes most of the time and she rarely swept them back. I often wondered how it didn’t drive her crazy because I knew when I needed to cut my bangs. It was the moment I found myself pushing them off my face and having to bat my eyes from the annoyance.

Her name was Angelica and at times, she looked like an angel.

My classes were doing well and I knew this by the amount of noise, conversation, laughter and tears that occurred. The better the class, the louder they got.

Suzanne was talking about her kids and how much she missed them. A few of the students nodded in agreement. I knew what was about to happen. I took the box of Kleenex I always brought in my briefcase and slid it over to the table to her. She looked up when it nudged her arm. She smiled, took one and dabbed her eyes.

“You’re not getting soft on me, are you Suzanne?” I asked. “Because I think if you ever revealed that you are indeed human, we would die from the shock.”

She laughed at this and blew her nose. “Teach, you are always busting me on shit. I’m not crying; I have allergies.”

The room was suddenly filled with laughter. Chanteel wadded up a piece of paper and threw it at Suzanne. A few others followed suit and soon there was a small stack of papers in front of her. Suzanne smiled, wiped her eyes and sat up straighter.

“How can you all laugh? You’re in here and there’s nothing funny about it,” Angelica said.

I turned around and looked at her. As far as I could recall it was the first time she had spoken.

“Sometimes laughing is the best thing to do. Sometimes it’s all we have,” I said.

She shrugged, turned away from me and stared at the wall. She folded her arms across her chest.

“Angelica, please continue,” I said.

She shook her head but wouldn’t look at me. The room had gotten very quiet. Everyone was staring at her. I didn’t want to push it.

Chanteel got up and sat down next to her. Angelica turned away from her. Chanteel turned her back.

“You don’t ever turn your back on Susan, you hear me? She is talking to you, so turn around and be nice,” she said.

“Yeah! Don’t you ever dis Teach!” said Suzanne. A few others grunted and nodded in agreement. They all turned and faced Angelica.

I stood back in amazement and awe. Suddenly my students were taking over. I wasn’t sure what to do. I stood there and let them. There was some unknown code they had that was going into effect that I was not a part of. Something was happening with them. I waited.

Angelica obeyed them. She turned around and faced me. “I don’t want to leave here because when I do, I have to go back to him,” she said and looked down at her lap. Chanteel seemed to immediately understand. She rubbed her back and nodded. The others relaxed and sat back.

“Him?” I asked.

“Yes, him,” she said.

I looked around the room. Many of the students were looking at each other. Some were looking down at their laps. There was an understanding passing between all of them that didn’t include me.

“Can you tell us more about him?” I asked. I had no idea what was going on, but it was eerily quiet.

“No,” she said. I looked at Chanteel.

“She’s talking about the guy she hurt. The one that hurt her for so many years. Her father,” Chanteel said and then hugged Angelica.

“He’s not my father! He’s the devil,” Angelica said and began crying. “Don’t you ever call him that!”

Suzanne got up and walked over to Angelic and stood in front of her. Suzanne had been arrested for crack possession and prostitution. She often asked me if she was my favorite crack hoe and I always told her she was. It was true. She was one of the funniest people I had ever met.

“Look Angelica, I know it’s been rough for you. You haven’t been here long, but you’ve sat in with us for a while. Everyone knows you shot the bastard that had been messing with you since you were a kid. It’s happened to a lot of us, so you’re not alone, but that whole crying shit has got to stop because you are really starting to piss me off. Besides, you’re just pissed that you missed and only hit him in the shoulder and he’s still alive. You really need better aim next time” she said and turned around and sat back down. She leaned back in her chair and looked bored.

I sighed and looked over at Angelica. “I have a question. You’re over 18, so why are you saying you have to go back to him? I don’t understand,” I said.

“He’s got my kid. No one believed me because I had never said anything about…”

I raised my hand. “That’s OK, you don’t have to explain,” I said.

“I have to go get her and I don’t have any other place to stay. He said he’s forgiven me and wants me back when I get out,” she said.

“Yeah, that’s what they all say,” said Rita.”They always miss us, don’t they?”

Several of the students chuckled.

“Isn’t there someone who could help you? I mean, I know I’m no expert but I would think there is something set-up somewhere to help,” I said. I felt useless and stupid.

“Do you know what it’s like?” she asked. I knew what she meant.


“Have you ever been hurt like that? Ever?”

“No,” I said.

“Then why are you here?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” was all I could think to say. Her eyes were on fire. She was holding her chin up and looking directly at me.

“She’s here because she gives a fuck, you dumb ass,” said Suzanne. She said this without looking up from her nails.

“Yeah, I am sorry that I missed the shot.” said Angelica.

I was sorry that she missed the shot also but said nothing.

That was the last time she spoke in class for a long time.