idisagreecompletely

You know what a wink is? No? Well I’m going to tell you about one of the stupidest things ever invented for a dating website.

What it is, is you send it to someone who I think indicates you are interested BUT ARE TOO FRICKIN SCARED TO TALK TO!

WTF? I’m sorry, but this just drives me nuts. I mean, let’s get real here, shall we? Glad you agreed because I’m going to do it anyway, so I was only asking to be polite.

The reality is, you sign up for this service to meet people, in the hopes of finding your true love or at least a shot at getting laid.

Let me remind you of this fact – THIS IS WELL KNOWN! This is NOT a secret.

Sorry about the caps, but I really am shouting over here as I type. I would say that I would try to tone it down, but you already know I won’t, so why lie?

I mean, it’s not like you are secretly trying to meet people and pretending that you are actually interested in their hobbies or really care much about them from the beginning. I don’t give a rats ass about what a guys hobbies are or what he does for a living. I am more interested in weeding out the freaks in the hopes of finding maybe, just maybe, some intelligent life on the internet.

I know, I dream, but you can’t stop me from dreaming. Don’t judge me.

So how did this all come about? It’s simple. It’s because I am an amazing friend, trustworthy, loyal to the core and I can’t watch my friends walk into a slaughter-house.

It’s really all Dee Dee’s fault. Really it is.

Dee Dee and I have known each other for 40 years. We worked together for a long time and she is going through a divorce at the age of 60. I, and others, have been by her side the whole time and Dee Dee actually stopped me from “friending” her soon-to-be-ex-douche-bag-cheating-dickwad-of-a-husband on Facebook because I wanted to post on his wall what I thought of him and also “friend” his whore and do the same thing.

I am NOT lying. She stopped me from doing it by physically removing my fingers from the keyboard of MY laptop as I was sending the friend requests.

“Lewis, you can’t do that. Stop it.”

“You’re not the boss of me!”

Sigh. “This time I am, so let it go.”

Snap. Snarl. “Fine!” I say as I snapped my laptop closed, glared at her and promised I would not do it.

Later on, she decides that she should get online and is ready to date again and asks me about it.

“NO! Don’t do it! Please Dee Dee, there’s got to be a better way! Tell you what; you and I can date each other.”

“Lewis, you are such a freak. I don’t want to DATE you! Are you out of your mind? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I don’t mean date, like a gay thing..”

“Get away from me. Now.”

“No, hear me out. What I am saying is this – I’ll invite you to wherever I am going. Include you in on the things I do. You haven’t been single for a very long time and it’s not nice out there. It’s a cruel world and if you try to go it alone, you will be butchered. Things have change a lot and…”

“OK, OK. Stop talking. That sounds like fun, but I want to sign-up for the dating websites and I really need you to help me because….”

“Yeah, don’t finish that sentence, please. I get it. What do you want me to do?”

And so the journey began, once again. I helped her put together a profile, got a really great picture of her and told her a bit of how to maneuver around it because she barely knows how to check email.

“Now Susan, I need you to put up your profile so you can see mine and see how it looks and help me. I’ll give you my password and you can see what’s going on and what I need to do.”

Head slamming  on her desk.

“Lewis, stop that. You’re going to hurt yourself and I’ve always been worried about you being brain-damaged as it is.”

I rub my forehead and sit back, stretch against the chair and look up at her.

“Say what? You want me to….go back….there?” I stifle a scream that is about to erupt from my throat.

“Yes. I need your help because I don’t know anything about this.”

I know I will do it. She has these puppy dog eyes, is a babe in the woods and needs my protection. I know she does because Dee Dee is one of the most amazing women I know. I mean this. She is beautiful, smart, funny, scary intelligent, kind, giving, hard-working, etc. You name anything positive about a person and that would be Dee Dee.

She’s also been married for a gazillion years and thinks at the age of 60, she going to find someone right away.

Maybe she will and maybe she won’t, but she’s decided to go out on the internet and talk to people.

May God have mercy on her soul.

So, yes, I signed up because I love my friend and part of me hopes it all works out for her and the other part wants to drag her back to me and convince her that it’s much more fun to go out with me to the movies and eat popcorn and throw it at each other and laugh and to go to clubs and dance, with me always nearby and bitch slap the rude men. I want her close by because she really is just a sweet, little lamb that doesn’t want to live out the rest of her life alone, just like me.

She calls me one day. “Susan, what does it mean when you get this thing called a wink from someone?”

I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Dee Dee, when someone winks at you, it means….shit, I don’t know what it means. I could mean they are flirting with you or it could mean they have something in their eye.”

“No! I’m talking about getting a wink from someone on this website. Will you take a look at it for me and tell me what to do?”

“Yes. Hold on while I log in…”

And there they are. Winks. From men. She has some and I check my account and I have some.

What does it mean? Why are they doing this? Am I suppose to wink back or do I ignore it? I don’t know but I don’t like it.

I call her back. “OK, as near as I can tell, it means they are letting you know they are interested in you.”

“Well then, why don’t they just send me a message?”

“I don’t know Dee Dee.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I..well…the thing is..”

“Should I wink back? And if I do, what happens then? Or should I send them a message and say hello? What happens if I don’t? Is that rude? How does this work?”

I tell her to send a wink back. I do the same. I send one back to everyone who sent me one. Why? Because I don’t frickin CARE anymore because I already know one thing and one thing for sure – if I man can’t just talk to me, I’m not the woman for him.

I had about 10 winks going back and forth before I stopped. I get a wink. I send one back. He sends another one and soon I am involved in what feels like the Wimbledon game of winks.

I hate these men and that’s not a good attitude to start out a possible relationship. Not good at all, so I stopped. They went away and soon my life was peaceful and calm again and the urge to slap them was gone.

I try to be a nice person, but even I have my limits.

Either talk to us or don’t. If you can’t, it’s OK. We understand and aren’t interested. But most of us have been there and done that. Some of us have children and grandchildren. We’ve been through enough wars and are old enough to be quite mellow, laid back and never got the memo of our sex drive diminishing as we get older. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE! We run businesses, care for our family and friends, have dealt with more crap than we care to think about, suffered through unbearable losses and betrayals and we are still here.

Older women are the worlds best kept secret and we don’t suffer fools gladly. But we will talk to you and smile.

But don’t ever send me a wink again. I will hurt you.