idisagreecompletely

There are moments in your life that can knock you on you ass and it’s always seems to be when you need it the most.

For me recently, it was right before Thanksgiving. I was having a very rough time of it between car repairs, laptops dying in the midst of NaNo and no way to pay for any of it and trying to get my writing done long hand, which I hate to do. I can barely read my own handwriting and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to get it done and logged onto the website before the deadline.

Plus I was trying to see my family for the holidays and nothing was going to stop me.

For two days, I had gone sideways. It was just a period of time in my life where it seemed like I couldn’t get anything to go right.

I did handle things, of course, because I may or may not be many things, but I am not a victim. I just have bad days where I sit down, have a good cry and then get up again. But that night when everything seemed to have come crashing down on me, I sat on my couch and cried. It was all a bit too much right then. I was tired of keeping my chin up and being stoic.

And I’m so tired of being alone with no one to help.

I needed a pity party and I threw a huge one for myself. I gave myself 10 minutes for it and I timed it. I looked at my cell phone, noted the time and cried. I only last 3 minutes, but still…It was pity.

I go up and see my family and have a wonderful time. They are my rock, part of my soul and I’ve always been taught that blood is thicker than water. No matter what happens, we circle the wagons and it’s there that I can relax, eat and sleep and laugh and know that if I say or do something stupid, it’s OK. I am family and I’ll always be accepted.

I get back to work on Monday and I’m still worried about a few things, but I’m doing OK.

And then it happens. It. Suddenly. Happens.

I read on G+ a post asking for help from all of us. This post had been shared and it was from a friend of a woman who had lost her 3 children and ex-husband in a plane crash the day before Thanksgiving.

No. Dear God, NO!

I sit at my desk at work and start to cry. It all comes crashing in. All of it. My losses, my disappointments, my successes, my heart breaks and those of my friends and loved ones.

It’s all too much for a moment. I get up, go outside and look around. It’s a beautiful fall day. It’s cold and the sun is out and I cry some more.

I love this woman who I have never met and I grieve for her and her loss. I can’t help it. It’s who I am.

The next two days are one of enormous gratitude for who I am and what I have and the people I know. No matter what my problems and struggles and difficulties may be, I did not lose my 3 children in a second and I never will.

I’ll never go hungry.

I’ll never be unloved.

I’ll never be without the people I love.

I’ll never, in a million years, suffer that kind of loss.

I’ll never be without electricity and internet access.

I’ll never be without animals and clothes to wear and wine to drink.

I’ll always be able to vote.

I’ll always have a voice and will always use it to make a difference.

I’ll always be me and have the things I have.

I am humbled and have been changed in a way I would never have expected. I think about this woman every day and I wonder how she will make it through all of this.  I’ve known people who have lost children and I lost a brother over 20 years ago and until recently , I had parked that pain away, but no more.

No matter what may happen to me or where life may take me, I am grateful and humbled by those who have suffered so much more than me and still manage to smile and be kind to others and somehow get through every day. If I could take away everyone’s pain, I would. But I can’t anymore than they can for me. But we’re not supposed to or we would do it immediately.

OK, enough of being sad.

I am blessed and I’ve been taught that lesson, once again.