Tired of fighting

Posted: August 7, 2011 in Self-esteem, self-respect
Tags: , , , , ,

You ever have one of those days, or weeks, when you just want to throw down your weapons and quit or at least take a break for a while?

Yeah, that’s how I’ve been feeling a bit lately. It’s not one particular thing. That would be easier. That moment during your life when it all just seems to be too much and you want to sit down, cry and give up.

That’s not always such a bad thing to do. Maybe every once in a while we need to do that. Just sit down, cry and whine and close out the world for a bit. I think the only mistake we can make is to not get back up and have at it again.

I have been stretched just a bit too thin for too long. I knew I could handle it and would keep going but exhaustion was starting to creep back in. I get plenty of sleep and exercise but there was just a lot on my plate and now I was at the tipping point with no end in sight.

A new client was arriving on Friday and would begin his training with me for two days. I had agreed to work Saturday and what I wanted to do was call up my ex-boyfriend and go see him and hide out for the weekend and have a warm body next to mine. I didn’t care what happened after Sunday night. I just wanted to walk away from everyone and everything for a few days. I knew I wouldn’t call him and I knew if I did, he would be happy to have me come over and stay.

But I didn’t, of course. I knew I wouldn’t but I did like entertaining that thought for a while.

Friday morning came and in walked Dennis. He is in his late 60’s. I heard him walk in and my receptionist greeted him. I was tied up with another student and couldn’t break away, but the consultant was already shaking his hand, so I knew he was being taken care of and that I would meet him later that day.

I wrapped it up with my student and broke for lunch. I quickly ate my lunch standing over the sink in our small kitchen. I had no time to eat but had to. I had a new client to meet and start his training. I needed to run down to the bathroom plus I had about two hours of phone calls to make along with a backlog of emails that needed my immediate attention and I had less than three minutes to get four hours of work done.

I could feel myself get pulled further and further away from myself. I took another large bite of my lunch, chewed as fast as I could while I drank from my coffee mug. I went down the hall to use the lady’s room and couldn’t stop and chat with people I knew in the office building. I gave them all a quick hello and smile as I raced back to my office.

Dennis was waiting for me. I greeted him. He now had a face to go with my voice that he had heard so many times on the phone before his arrival. He is in his 60’s and is very pleasant. His consultant had been working with him for some time before his arrival for training, so he was relaxed and anxious to start.

We get started and let my assistant know I was “going dark” which means I am officially under the radar while training and cannot be interrupted unless there is a fire and we need to jump off the balcony or we will all die. Anything other than that is not important.

We started and the hard work begins. During the next two days, I learned quite a bit about Dennis. It’s my job and I dig in with each client. They have paid me and my company to help them and they have entrusted their lives to us so no matter what I have going on, it’s left behind the closed door once they arrive.

I learned that Dennis is dealing with his third bout of liver cancer and had just completed another round of chemo. I knew of the difficulties he was having with his business but sitting across from him, I did not see a man who was ill.

Instead I saw a man who was full of hope. He had recently married a beautiful young woman. He told me about surfing every morning and asked if we could start our training earlier the next morning as he was so excited about being here with us that he didn’t want to waste one moment of it. He looked healthy and told me all about the things he was grateful for as the day progressed.

Throughout the day, every point I made on his training was met with a smile, a nod and him thanking me for spending time with him. He made me feel important, valuable and worth every moment of his attention. He had paid ME to help him and yet he was thanking me.

Thanking me for doing my job.

Thanking me for spending two days with him. That he paid for. I mentioned that before, didn’t I? Yes, I did.

Smiling at me and hanging on my every word for two days. Two long days for him as he fought his body that was demanding that he slow down and take it easy and roll over and die.

My exhaustion began to dissipate. The horrible PMS I had been suffering with for three weeks lessened and became a distant memory. My headache left and I picked up my sword and decided to start fighting again.

He fought for two days and I fought right along side of him. I picked up every tool I could think of. I mustered every bit of information I could find and we slugged it out together. Together we fought to save his business and improve his life and the lives of his staff and customers.

I had made a mistake and that was I had been looking around and just focusing on the things that were wrong in my life and had forgotten to focus on what was right.

I had failed to take and practice my own advice. It’s perfectly fine to notice the things that need to be corrected and then correcting them.

It’s a whole other thing to only pay attention to them and become worried and doubtful of one’s own ability to deal with it. All I had been doing these last few weeks was looking at how everything I needed to do could not be done.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

By the end of the second day, both Dennis and I were smiling and I thanked him for teaching me so much. He gave me a funny look and asked what the hell I was talking about.

I hugged him and told him that I loved his wonderful and positive attitude and that it had rubbed off on me when I really needed it. He didn’t say anything but hugged me back.

I might still have too much to do but somehow after today it doesn’t seem like such a big deal. Somehow it feels like everything will be OK soon.

It was time for me to follow my own damn advice – just disagree with how things “have to be” and agree to all the good shit in life.

Self-esteem. Lesson #3. Be Healthy

Posted: August 1, 2011 in Self-esteem, self-respect
Tags: , , ,

Self-esteem. Lesson #3

First of all, thanks again for all your emails and correspondence. It’s nice to know that this is helping some of you and I appreciate the feedback.

So now you’ve decided to have self-esteem and should be taking responsibility for it.

Most excellent!

Now the next step is to be well and healthy.

I’ll wait while you stop screaming because that’s pretty much the reaction I have when I hear anyone talk about health. Then they start babbling  on about weight loss and exercise and right around that point I start looking for some cake or cookies to eat.

I find them and I eat them as I sneer. Childish, yes, but it makes me feel better, damn it!

As far as I’m concerned, all of us have been heavily betrayed by the medical and health fields because if they were doing their job, more of us would be healthier and taking less drugs.

But that’s not the case. We as a nation diet more than any other country and we are also the most overweight people in the world. You can research it yourself, but here’s a start: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/overwt.htm

What does this have to do with self-esteem? It has a lot to do with it because it is very hard to feel good about yourself if you aren’t taking care of yourself and don’t feel well. I personally have a much better attitude about myself and life in general when I physically feel well and energetic.

There’s no need to buy another book on dieting; we have too many as it is. We know we shouldn’t eat sugar and carbs and we need to exercise. The human body was not made to sit for long periods of time watching TV (which hopefully you are no longer doing or have cut it way down) or sitting in front of a monitor all day long.

The human body was designed to procreate and burn energy. It’s meant to move, run, jump and basically keep moving until its exhausted and then it’s designed to sleep.

All you need to do is keep moving. Cut out the junk food as best as you can. If you are sick, seek medical care and keep moving. Put better food in you and throw away your scale. You know when you feel good and when you don’t.

I took me many years to find a sane way of eating and it’s simple. Protein and good carbs. No sugar but I do break this rule on the weekends. I’m against being a slave to my body and how it looks but if it doesn’t feel well, then I don’t feel so good about myself. Sort of a no brainer, but some things just need to be said.

I’ve had some success with clients on just making the changes above. It’s not a big deal and nor should you make it into one. Just watch what you eat as best as you can. I want you to try this for the coming week and if it works for you, keep doing it:

1)      Cut out all sugar and bad carbs but this comes with a warning: You might go through some withdrawal such as getting a headache, feeling achy and tired. You might also find yourself with some intense cravings for them. That’s OK. Just keep telling yourself you are healing.

2)      Throw away the damn scale. Pick it up and run to the trash can and toss it. Have a farewell party for it if you need to, but dump it and dump it now.

3)      Remember that all the self-esteem you want is already there inside you. It may be buried deep or it may be right on the surface, but it’s there. We are just slowly removing the layers of what gets in the way of it, step-by-step.

4)      Be more physically active. This can be as simple as walking around the block or going to the gym. It doesn’t matter as long as your increase your activity level and decrease the times you are sitting.

5)      Go help someone. Find someone who needs help and give it to them. This could be helping someone carry groceries to checking in on a neighbor who is lonely. Whenever I start to feel a bit sorry for myself, I do this and it makes me feel better about myself.

6)      Stop complaining and whining if you’ve gotten into this bad habit. Keep a smile on your face and sit down and write down all the things that are right about you. Some people call it counting your blessings and it’s a good thing to do once in awhile. Email them to me if you’d like or leave them as a comment on my blog.

7)      For the next week, I want you to practice something. I want you to be as kind to people as you can. Every day when you wake up, tell yourself that you will be as kind as possible and do it. Then at the end of the day, write down how your day went. Do this every day for a week along with everything else you are working on and let me know how you feel after that.

I’ll tell you a little secret and that is, self-esteem and self-respect has nothing to do with the way people treat you. People will treat exactly as you want them to. If you don’t feel you are worth the effort, then so be it. If you are unkind to people, it’s only because you aren’t BEING kind to yourself and others. So what if someone is rude to you? Maybe they are dealing with too much that day or maybe they just lost a child or maybe they’re just mean. Whatever the reason, cut them some slack and try to be kind to them.

When you are unkind to people, if comes right back at you. This doesn’t mean you allow people to take advantage of you or allow them to harm you. It means that you grant them the right to be who they are and continue on. Take the high road as often as possible and treat others the way you want to be treated.

Try this as best as you can and keep a log.

What have you got to lose? Maybe a bad attitude is all, right?

Self-esteem. Lesson #2. Take Responsibility

Posted: July 25, 2011 in Self-esteem, self-respect
Tags: , ,

OK, hopefully by now you’ve done the first lesson – deciding to have self-esteem.

If you have done that, then good for you. If you haven’t, go back and read the first lesson and when you’ve done that, come back to this one. Based on the emails I’ve been receiving (and I think I’m caught up on all of my responses) many of my readers are enjoying this and have all ready noticed a big difference. I am always glad to hear this and to hear from you. Please keep them coming.

Now we go onto lesson #2 and it’s simple:

Take responsibility for your self-esteem

Sounds easy, right? Well, in theory it is but what I’ve come to learn and realize is that this is 24/7. When I use the word responsibility, I’m not talking about feeling bad or shameful or having the viewpoint that this is something you “just have to do because someone said so,” or anything along those lines.

What it means is accepting the fact that it is up to you to have it or not have it. It is a self-determined action you take because you want to and for no other reason than that.

Besides, who says you must have a reason for anything? You don’t. You can do something just because you want to.

Remember, you’re the only one that can give away or take back your self-esteem. No one else has that power over you but you. Self-esteem is only about how you feel and respect yourself. If it is high, then your actions will show it. The same is true if it is low.

Many years ago, I made some changes that actually helped me to feel better about myself. You might want to do them also and see if it helps you.

1)      Stopped buying and reading women’s magazines.

I grew up reading magazines for teenagers. I was fascinated by make-up and hair styles and clothes. Unfortunately for me at the time, I looked the exact opposite of what was fashionable. At that time, everyone wanted straight blonde hair. I have curly and unruly black hair.

I spent most of my teenage years with large curlers in my hair with a cap. This complimented the braces, headgear and acne cream that was slathered all over my face. The 30 extra pounds I was carrying was just a bonus.

At that time, Yardley was the most popular brand and eventually Twiggy arrived on the scene and the excessive dieting started. As hard as I tried, there was nothing I could do about my hair. It was hopeless, but my whole life was devoted to straightening it and then avoiding any and all situations that would make my hair frizz. This meant never going to San Francisco unless I could tie my hair back. I lived in the pool as a child but the moment I decided I wanted to look like everyone else, I stopped going and the few times I did go, I made sure not to get my hair wet.

Yes, it is possible to go swimming without getting your hair wet. It’s very difficult and requires a tremendous amount of maneuvering and staying away from anyone who might splash you. I became very good at treading water in an attempt to look super cool.

I hated getting out of the pool and would rush back to the lounge chairs and try to cover up what my brothers referred to as “thunder thighs” while at the same time feeling quite envious of the thin, tan and blonde girls.

But I was reading these magazines all the time along with every romance novel I could find. I was convinced that if I just bought the next product I would be the way they said I was supposed to be.

I kept this up until my mid-30’s when I realized that I had been reading the same articles for years. Sure, it was a different name of the product but the message was the same – “You’ll never be good enough until you a) buy this product or b) wear this outfit or c) look exactly like these models.”

The reason these models get paid so much is because NO ONE looks like them. I starved myself. I got up every morning and jogged in the dark with my Mom and a neighbor. I drank diet sodas, stopped eating sugar and no matter what I did or how much weight I lost, I still didn’t feel like I was good enough.

Why? Was it because of what the magazines and TV shows were telling me? Not really, though they aren’t much help because in order to sell you something they first have to make you feel like you need to change something about yourself.

No, I felt this way because I agreed with them. I held the magazines and TV shows up as the right way to be for me. I decided that they knew who and what I should be and as long as I kept buying into it, they would continue to sell it.

There wasn’t a particular moment of clarity for me but I do remember the last magazine I bought. I don’t even remember the name of it, but I felt myself feeling worse and worse about myself until I threw it across the room and watched it hit the wall and fall to the floor.

I was done and I haven’t looked back since.

I also stopped worrying about how I looked or what I weighed. Instead I researched and concentrated on my health and let the weight go where it wanted to go.

I disagreed completely and totally with all of it.

I let my hair be curly and I wore what I liked and what I could afford.

Then I did the next thing:

2)      Stopped watching TV.

This is a hard one for most. At the time, we didn’t have the internet and I would watch a movie once in a while, but I stayed away from any form of entertainment that I thought was stupid and mindless. I would read a book or call someone and the few times I would sit in front of the TV, I would be very selective about what I watched. I would still be envious of the perfect women with perfect clothes and make-up and hair, but now I was aware that it made me feel bad about myself. When that happened I would:

3)      Find something I liked about myself.

This could be anything from my smile to my curly hair to my uneven jaw. It didn’t matter just as long as I found something that I liked. It works every time.

So when we are talking about taking responsibility for yourself, it is acknowledging the fact that you control how you feel about yourself and all of your actions. It’s also admitting that outside influences affect us and deciding to either not let them or disagreeing with them to such an extent that we remove them from our lives.

I strongly suggest staying away from anyone or anything that makes you feel less than great about yourself.

In summary, try doing the following this week:

1)      Don’t buy or read another woman’s magazine.

2)      Turn off the TV and internet and find something else to do like reading, writing, walking. Anything except watching TV.

3)      Everyday write down one or more things that you like about yourself.

4)      Email it to me and let me know how you are doing.

I have the utmost faith and confidence in you. Disagree with anyone who tells you who you should be or how you should look. They don’t know what they are talking about.

Even me if you think so. How you feel about yourself is senior to anyone else. What you think is what you think and you don’t need anyone’s approval. Not now. Not ever.

Self-esteem. Lesson #1. Decide

Posted: July 18, 2011 in Self-esteem, self-respect

Lessons in self-esteem.

Esteem: To consider good or important; value highly. Self-esteem would then be to regard oneself in this way.

What do you think? You think we need a little bit more of this in ourselves and others? I sure do.

I’m not famous, I’m not published and I’m not someone who has a book to sell or a workshop or CD’s anything else to sell you. Hell, I didn’t even go to college so I don’t have any fancy degrees.

But I’ve been working with people my entire life and I’ve noticed a subtle but important change in people over the years and it startled me.

People in general don’t seem to like themselves very much. I see this in so many ways:

1)       Feeling inferior or uncertain.

2)       Scared about failure so not even taking one step towards something they want.

3)       Sleeping with anyone that comes along that has a pulse.

4)       Obsession with one’s looks.

5)       Obsession with one’s weight.

6)       Convinced they must have someone (boyfriend/girlfriend) in their lives to feel value.

7)       Staying in an abusive relationship because they are afraid to be alone.

8)       Looking to others for self-esteem.

9)       Thinking what people think of them is more important than their opinion of themselves.

10)   Feeling unworthy.

And my favorite sign of lack of self-esteem:

11)   Insisting and enforcing their viewpoint that they have it. This is almost always done in a hostile tone.

This list goes on, but you get my point.

I decided to put together all of my experiences in this subject along with what I have found has worked for me and for others. My intent is to open this up to anyone that has an interest in improving their own sense of value and hope that it helps you.

In any course you take it is best approached step-by-step. Do one thing really well and then go onto the next thing. There are a couple of key things that I am going to start with because without them you won’t be as successful.

The most important thing to know about self-esteem is this: If you don’t have it, it’s because you gave it away. No one took it from you. You wrapped it up in a pretty little package and gave it away. Everyone does this for a different reason and none of those reasons are relevant or important.

Why? Because you’re going to get it back, all by yourself, and I don’t care why you gave it away  in the first place. Getting back one’s self-esteem has nothing to do with what happened in the past and has everything to do with today and tomorrow.

So your first step is to DECIDE you are going to get it back.

Remember when you were a child and life was fun? You were anyone you wanted to be and it was real. You could fly, dance, sing and in your mind you went to wonderful places and met fun people. Maybe you actually did go there and meet those people. You knew no one was better than you. You had your dreams and they were real and alive and you KNEW it.

Take a moment and think back to a time when you were happy. Find the happiest moment you can and don’t read further until you have that moment back.

Take your time and enjoy it. I’ll wait….

That moment when you were your happiest is still there and it’s real. OK, I get that it’s buried a bit or maybe a lot, but it’s there, right? That’s what you want back. There’s only one thing we really want and that’s to be happy.

But you can’t be happy if you don’t like yourself anymore.

And believe me no one will ever love you like you love yourself. It’s not possible. So if you don’t like yourself much then what you get back is more of the same. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will.

We’ve all heard that cliché that I just typed and I was going to apologize for it, but in this case it happens to be true.

So the first step is deciding that you are worth the effort, that you want it back and then some (it’s always a good idea to have some in reserve for when life smack you upside your head) and that you are going to do it.

Now a word of caution; the second you make this decision, you might feel a backlash come in. This can come from previous failures or remembering times when you hated yourself or something bad that you had done. You might feel anything from shame, blame, regret or anger. Negative emotions will come in.

Ignore it. Ignore it. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. It doesn’t matter what you have done up to this minute. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’ve done or not done. Shove it aside and keep doing that. Just keep repeating the decision to yourself.

In other words DISAGREE with anything negative you feel or think about yourself. Just disagree.

This is your first lesson. There will be more to come as this is a gradient approach and it is unique and personal to each person. We all have our problems and none of us are perfect, but at least we are standing at the plate and swinging.

More lessons to come, so if you want to receive them, please subscribe to this blog. If you find this helpful, please tell others to come on board. I would really like your feedback on how it’s going as we walk down this path together. Whoever you are, I know you are valuable. I just want to make sure you know that too.

I am more than happy to help anyone one-on-one, so if you would like to do that, subscribe and then follow me on GooglePlus and send me an email. I am also on Twitter.

Don’t play chicken with me

Posted: July 14, 2011 in funny stories, Pets
Tags: ,

Sometimes in life, you have to stand up for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You have to speak out and not worry about the consequences. If you think about it, you might not do it.

I was walking my dog Maverick last year. It was twilight but a warm evening in the summer. Maverick was getting older and wasn’t feeling great, so I made sure to give him short walks. He and I both needed to get out of the house that night.

We were just turning the corner on our street. I saw three men standing on the sidewalk ahead of us with a couple of dogs. Because Maverick liked to bark and have a tizzy fit anytime he saw another dog, I walked us into the street and figured we would get back on the sidewalk after we passed them.

As we were walking by, Maverick started to get excited, but I reined him in. The two dogs were smaller and could have been pit bulls or some similar mix. I personally love pit bulls and don’t buy all the crap that is said about them. But the guys standing there had the full “gang banger” look going on.

As we walked by, one of the dogs barked and we kept walking. As we passed and returned to the sidewalk, I heard one of the men start to yell at his dog to shut-up and then I heard the dog yelping. He was hitting his dog.

No, I don’t think so.

I froze. I was about four houses down from them, but it was a quiet night. I turned around and yelled back at the man to knock it off.

I was a bit surprised those words came out of my mouth, but that’s what happens when you speak before thinking.

“What did you say, bitch?” was the reply.

I froze but Maverick kept walking. I felt the leash tug for a moment. My heart was racing and it suddenly dawned on me what I had done. I wanted to just keep walking but the sounds of that dog crying and him yelling at it were still in my head. I thought about what would happen to the dog if I just walked away and I couldn’t do it. I looked down at Maverick and knew I would never let anyone harm a hair on him and that I would do whatever I could if someone tried.

The dog that was getting beaten was the same as Maverick to me. The love I felt for Maverick suddenly transferred over to him and I was not going to walk away.

I turned around.

“You heard me. Get your hands off that dog or I’ll come back there and make you do it,” I yelled back. Maverick was now looking up at me, worried. He knew I was upset and he was trying to figure out why. Because he was older and because I didn’t want him hurt, I tied him to a tree and told him I would be right back.

Just as I started to walk towards the men, one of them said “You can’t tell me what to do. It’s my dog.”

“That doesn’t matter, you idiot! You lay another hand on that dog and you’ll have to hit me too!”

“Oh really?” he said. I wasn’t bluffing. I meant it. I had made my decision and I was hoping that today wasn’t my day to die.

“I’ll tell you what  to do, when I want. You get your hands off of one of God’s creature or I’ll come over there and take your dog from you.  You understand me?” I yelled back. I had stopped walking towards them. My whole body was shaking and fear started to arrive again and I pushed it back. I had gone this far and wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but I knew I could not back down.

There was silence. I tried not to think or worry about myself. I was more worried about Maverick.

“Sorry ma’am, you’re right,” he said.

What? Did I really hear that?  Did I really back down a gang -banger or was this some insidious ploy to get me closer and then kill me?

“What did you say?” I yelled back. I was now three houses away from them. I started walking again. They weren’t moving and they looked so much taller and bigger than when I had first walked by. They turned towards me as I got nearer.

“I asked you a question. What did you say?” I asked as I came within twenty feet from them.

One man was kneeling down now, petting and stroking his dog. He was whispering in his ear. The other two men stood silently and watched. One of them knelt down and started to scratch the ear of the other dog, which began to wag his tail.

The man, who I think yelled at me, looked up, kissed his dog on his head and stood up. “I said you were right and I’m sorry I did that. It was wrong of me.”

All my anger and rage started to lift at that moment and I didn’t want it to. I wanted to stay angry at them. I was prepared to grab the dogs and run as fast as I could but I was not prepared for an apology. This threw me off.

I looked at them for a moment. My racing heart started to calm down but my body was shaking. I was prepared to get hurt to help the dogs but I didn’t expect this fight to be over so quickly.

“OK, then. You ever hit another one of God’s creatures again I’ll make sure you pay for it. Somehow.  Someway.” I said with no idea how I could ever back-up that statement, but I was way past the point of thinking.

“Yes ma’am,” was all he said. The other two men nodded their heads in agreement.

I looked down at the dogs. They were happy and healthy and showed no signs of abuse. I smiled at them, turned and walked away.

I untied Maverick and we began walking again. I walked past my house and went around the corner. As brave as I might have been, I didn’t want them to know where I lived in case they had a change of heart. Maverick and I laid low around the corner for a few minutes. We kept peeking around the bush to see if they had left yet. Once they did, we came back around and almost ran up the driveway and into the house.

I may be crazy but I am not stupid!

Why I hate my cats

Posted: July 7, 2011 in Pets
Tags: , ,

I suppose using the word hate is a bit strong, but I must admit there are times when they just really piss me off.

I’ve never hurt them or struck them, but I have been close.

I adopted them about four years ago when I realized that one of my dogs was on his way out of this world and approaching doggie heaven. Good old Shadow was getting old and since he had been an abused dog that  had been rescued from a very horrible man, I never knew his age. Shadow was one of those dogs that no one seemed to want. No good reason for it. Just not loved by anyone.

Sometimes I think animals are higher on the food chain than humans.

And now, years later, he was old and I knew he didn’t have much time left. My other dog Maverick still had a few years to go and I knew he would need company when Shadow left us.

So, I brought the two kittens home to keep Maverick company when Shadow was gone.

This is how cute they were when I brought them home:

Since that time, I have had two pieces of furniture destroyed – a couch and a recliner – and a rug. Come to find out, since I’ve never had male cats, they apparently like to “spray” around the house and since they are indoor cats, my house needs an incredible amount of marking to keep things straight between them.

I have also learned to check my shoes for cat pee BEFORE putting them on. I learned this the hard way when I was sitting and working with a client. We were talking and I crossed my legs. He stopped talking for a moment.

“That’s  odd.”

“What’s odd?” I ask.

“Well,  I suddenly smell cat pee. Hmmm, that doesn’t make sense.”

I felt myself turn red as I realized that it was me that smelled like cat pee. I excused myself and ran down the hall to the bathroom, flung the door open and took off my shoes. I stood there actually smelling my shoes and got a very strange look from a woman who walked in while I was doing this.

Sure enough, there was cat pee all over the bottom of my shoe. I washed them off in the sink with soap and water and dried them and went back to my office. I said nothing and neither did he.

Now in the morning, when I am getting dressed, I first check the floor of my closet for any wet spots and make sure no one came in during the night and claimed my shoes as theirs.

Their names are Boots and Scout. Boots is a tuxedo cat and his brother Scout is pure black. We do have some interesting conversations, even if I don’t know what we are talking about.

As time went by and my frustration with them grew, I began to doubt my decision. I never entertained the idea of not keeping them for their entire lives; I just didn’t know what to do. I was embarrassed to have anyone over until I could spend an hour scrubbing walls, doors, floors and furniture. They had been fixed and had actually started to calm down as they grew older.

This was just a nagging problem in my head that rattled around once in a while.

Well, finally the day arrived to put Shadow down. I was not prepared for that piece of news when I had taken him to the vet. He had slowed down and was starting to cry when he got up and I thought he just need some medicine for his arthritis.

After many tests and endless questions, it came back that he had advanced cancer. I knew what I needed to do at that time even though I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. Shadow had not had an easy or fair start to his life, but I had damned well given him a wonderful middle and now it was time to end it.

I held him and talked to him and told him what was going to happen. I know he understood and as always when faced with a problem and pain, he wagged his tail and smiled. He believed that by doing that, it would set everything straight and right again.

I gave him a piece of my soul and took a piece of his as I said my goodbye and promised him that when we saw each other again, we would give them back. He agreed and he still has a piece of my soul.

As the days went by and as my grief came and went, I was leaving for work one morning and looked over at Maverick. He was the last dog left out of four and had never been alone. That was why I had gotten the cats – I didn’t want my dear friend to be alone without his brothers while I was at work.

I turned to look at him as I was closing the door and saw Boots and Scout curled up with him as I walked out the door.

It was at that exact moment that I knew I had made the right decision. Yes, they had been difficult to have as pets and I learned to be patient and kind in a world that tested that daily in me. Yes, they had destroyed some of my furniture and at times would wake me up in the middle of the night when they went on rampages. And sometimes for fun, they would walk all over me while I was trying to sleep and insist that I talk to them and it would take every ounce of discipline that I had not to pick them up and throw them off the bed an onto the hard wood floor.

But looking at them curled up with Maverick and Maverick licking them and not giving me a second thought as I left for the day, all my frustration dissipated and to this day, I am grateful for their company.

I lost Maverick three years after Shadow and I still have Boots and Scout. People will often ask if you are a dog person or a cat person. I personally never got the memo that I had to choose and I still haven’t received it. And if I were to receive it, I would toss it away as unimportant and silly.

I may say I hate them under my breath, but the truth is, I am grateful for their company and affection and their constant demand for my love and attention. Where else can I get that from another living creature? I haven’t found it yet except from all my pets that I have known my entire life.

Yeah, they truly are a pain in the neck for me and I will never admit that to them. Why let them have the upper hand at this stage of the game?

Besides, I can always buy new furniture.

Got Attitude?

Posted: July 4, 2011 in funny stories
Tags: , ,

Attitude.

Yeah, it’s all about that, isn’t it?

The way you look at and think about things.

Attitude.  I learned about attitude yesterday when I went river rafting.

Yesterday.

First time ever.

And I lived to tell the tale.

I went up to Vanessa’s house, my niece, to go river rafting with her and her boyfriend Ryan:

(aren’t they cute?)

along with his daughter Daisey ( sorry, don’t have a picture of her, but trust me, she is adorable) and my sister and her boyfriend and their friend Sasha.

I assumed that all I would have to do was get on a raft and someone would guide us down the river and we would all sit back, drink beer and relax.

When we got there, there were tons of people and all of them looked like they knew what they were doing. As for me, all I knew was to lather up the sunscreen, wear tennis shoes and bring a hat. I thought far enough ahead to not bring my purse and cell phone because even I knew that cell phones don’t mix well with water.

Soon we were sitting down and this woman began to give us instructions on how to river raft.

What? I thought. You mean, I’m supposed to do this? All by myself?

Gulp.

I looked around and asked Sasha if she had ever done this.

She looks like I feel and shakes her head “No” and asks me the same question.

I shake my head no and then she gulps.

I look around and we are all looking at each other with the same look and question on our faces.

“Oh God,” I thought “I’m screwed,” and just continued to sit there with a ‘dear in the head light’ look on my face and a knot in my stomach. “I can’t do this. I’ve never paddled down a river and I haven’t been in a raft since I was a kid and that time my Dad was paddling,” I kept thinking.

Then I thought about the rapids. There are these things called ‘rapids’ in this river because that’s the whole point of this; going down a river in a small little rubber raft with a paddle and then hitting the rapids and dying.

I was going to die today.

The lady stopped talking and all I could remember were the parts about what to do if you get thrown from the raft – lay flat and keep your feet up and look at your toes – and the other part about someone shattering their legs and having to be rescued with a helicopter.

I didn’t remember anything else.

I grabbed Sasha and looked at her and we decided we would do this together. We both said we didn’t know what we were doing.

“Yeah, but they know we’ve never done this before, right?” I asked.

She nods her head.

“So, if it wasn’t safe, they wouldn’t let us do it, right? Right?” I asked. I could hear my voice getting an odd strange, high pitch to it.

She nods her head and says “Yes, that’s right. Jeez, I’ve never done this before either,” and we both agree we’ll share a raft and she will sit in the back and be the captain and I’ll be the first mate.

Which means I’ll be in front and see our death coming before she does. Well, she’s much younger than me, so she’ll have a few more seconds of life.

We walk towards the rafts and get one. Then we each get a paddle and put on our life jackets. We march down towards the lake, carrying this raft that is heavy and awkward.

I am watching everyone else get their gear and I try to act like I know what I am doing. I am wondering why we don’t have crash helmets but I don’t want to ask and look stupid.

We finally reach the river and a staff member helps us load the raft into the river. People have already started down and I know there’s no stopping now. I’m going to do this.

They help us into the raft and I sit down on the bottom of it. The staff member nicely shows me where I’m supposed to sit and it’s not on the floor of the raft. I thank him, Sasha climbs in and they shove us off.

Sasha and I had been jabbering about neither one of us knew what we were doing but decided to go ahead and do it anyway. We thought if everyone else was going, we would to and not be a couple of scared little girls even though we were.

So off we went and I kept trying to remember if I put the paddle on the left, it makes us go to the right. Sasha was trying to the same thing and for our first adventure down a river we consistently went the exact opposite direction we wanted to go.

But the river was calm and smooth and we splashed water on the people we knew and we were soon referring to our adventure as bumper rafts because we kept running into other rafts.

But everyone was laughing and there were tons of us out there, so I figured if I fell out and started drowning, someone would pull me out and maybe I wouldn’t die.

I thought that until I could hear the first rapid off in the distance. It was waiting for us and we couldn’t figure out how to stop the raft and turn it around. The river was still and calm and death was waiting for me, just up ahead.

I turned and looked at Sasha and she gave me a weak smile. “Well, here we go,” I said and gave her a weak smile and thumbs up.

I watched as other went through it.  Our raft became a magnet for all the rocks and we kept getting stuck. I would try to push us off and Sasha would paddle and suddenly we were going towards the rapid but facing away from it.

I felt like an idiot and no matter how we paddled, we could not get turned around. At least this way I wouldn’t have to see what lay ahead.

The next thing I know, we are being pulled and shoved through a massive amount of water. There are rocks everywhere but we keep going. Sasha is paddling and smacks me in the back of my head with her paddle. She doesn’t even know she’s done that as panic has set in on us and all we can do is scream. At some point we get turned around and before I know it, we are through it and it’s behind us.

I lie back in the raft and laugh. It was fun even though I screamed. Sasha is laughing too and we are very proud of ourselves.

We feel cocky.

Ryan and Vanessa come by. Ryan knows this river like the back of his hand and is an expert on rafting. We had tried to just follow them, but since we had no idea how to steer the damn raft, we were on our own.  My sister and Mike are somewhere behind us and we watch them go through the rapids easily. They come by and we start splashing each other. It’s very hot and I just want to jump in the river and swim. Our raft is full of water, so Ryan helps us to the bank and we get out and dump out all the water. We had to do this four times during our trip.

Then Ryan mentions two rapids coming up. One is called “The Widow Maker” and the other is called “The Mother.”

My heart stops. My new-found cockiness leaves me. Sasha and I stare at each other with our mouths open.

“The Widow Maker? The Mother?” I ask sheepishly.

Ryan nods and chuckles. “Don’t worry, you’ll both be fine,” and paddles away.

I can hear him chuckling.

We start paddling and Sasha and I keep telling each other we can do it. We are a couple of miles down the river and had already stopped a few times, had a snack, swam in the river and I was feeling confident and fine about my new expert abilities to maneuver a raft.

So off we go. The river is too calm for my taste because I know what’s up ahead.

TheWidow Maker.

The Mother.

We hear it off in the distance. We stop paddling and let the river pull us along. I have visions of helicopters pulling my dead, wet body from the rapids as it’s stuck on a rock and twisted in all directions.

The movie “Deliverance” begins to flash through my mind.

Then I see it ahead of us. I see people have pulled over to the banks.

They are smarter than us.

I turn around and look at Sasha.

We are going to go for it.

So we start paddling as fast as we can and stay behind Ryan. He sees us and smiles and waves. We wave back.

We hit a small rapid, but we hit it wrong. I look over and suddenly Sasha is floating past me, trying to grab the raft. In my hazy thinking, my first thought is “She’s not supposed to be swimming by” and I reach out my hand and grab her. She’s laughing and a bit scared and I can’t quite get my balance.

I can’t hold onto her and lose my grip. She’s right there but being pushed away. I grab my paddle and hold it out to her. She grabs it and I hold on. She finds the bottom of the river and stands up. I am so glad the water isn’t deep and I pull her in. We somehow manage to get her back into the raft. We start laughing and I tell her that’s what she gets for smacking my head so many times with her paddle.

We hit a calm spot. She tells me she’s fine and wasn’t that scared, just surprised because it happened so fast. One moment you’re fine and the next thing you’re thrown into the river.

I finally am grateful for the life jackets and so is she because we know “The Widow Maker” is next. All I can think of is if a smaller rapid knocked her out of the raft, what the hell is this next one going to be like?

I have a new attitude. We are going to do this one and the next one and it will be fun and I will like it. This river has begun to talk to me a little but I’m not sure if it’s taunting me and making fun of me or not.

I decide we are going to go through this and survive.

I paddle faster even though I am exhausted and sunburned and thirsty. We’ve been on the river all day and still have a long trip back.

Suddenly there is it and it’s huge. There are gigantic rocks everywhere, just pulling our raft towards them. There are people standing around, watching and taking pictures. I see my screaming face posted on YouTube and getting a million hits and shared on Facebook.

We are trying to figure out how to approach it, but it’s no use. The river has us and is pushing and pulling us along and we have no control. I hear Sasha say, over and over, “Oh geez, here we go” and she’s paddling and hits me in the head again with her paddle. She apologizes and it doesn’t bother me. Getting hit in the head with a paddle is the last thing I am worried about.

Then we are in it and get pushed everywhere. I get knocked off my ass and end up laying flat on my back, holding onto my paddle. Water is gushing in because we are now lodged between two rocks and can’t move. Sasha gets knocked on her ass too and we just lie there.

We can’t stop laughing. The water feels amazing. Our raft is filling up and we can’t move. Someone is up above on a rock, looking down at us. I cry out “I LOVE THIS!” and he smiles and suddenly we are moving again. We sit up and start cheering. There’s someone on the bank and they are taking pictures and laughing with us. We hold up our paddles and scream “We want to do it again” as we float by.

No one died. We survived and the river is my friend again. We pull over and dump the water out of our raft and laugh as we slip on the rocks and pull each other up.

We are strong women who just kicked the ass of the river with more to come. We know the next one is the hardest one. “The Mother” is waiting for us and we are going to beat it.

We have a few minutes to relax. We drink some water and look for our friends. My sister and Mike couldn’t go on after the first rapid, so I know they are OK. Ryan, Vanessa and Daisy are ahead of us. We get ahead of them and Ryan tells us “Go through the middle of the bridge and then stay left. Just stay left and you’ll be OK.” We act like we know how to do this.

Up ahead, right past the bridge, there is a guy and he’s flagging us. My heart stops. They need a flagman to get us through this? Oh, this is not good, but on we go.

We go through the middle of the bridge and figure out how to stay left. He gives us a high 5 and the next thing we know, we are going all over the place. We are hitting rocks and sailing over them.
We are screaming. We are afraid, alive and happy. We bounce here and there. I get knocked on my ass again at the same time the raft hits a rock and we are sailing through the air again. There is water everywhere and as I push myself up, I slam my hand into the side of the boat to get up and a feel one of my nails get pushed back and tear. It hurts but I don’t pay any attention.

We are then swept away and have no control. This is a huge one and it seems endless. I can’t see the end of it because we are being tossed and pulled and pushed in all directions. Water is slamming our raft, our faces and our bodies. We are drenched again, over and over. I hold on tight to the ropes on the side of the raft. Water gets in my mouth because I am laughing and screaming.

I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this alive. I didn’t care what happened because each and every moment of this was fun and I didn’t want it to stop. I felt every movement of it, every rock, twist and turn. Every time we got slammed and pushed I loved. I was outside my element and it felt great. All that mattered was the next turn, the next gushing wave of water to hit me in the face, the next rock that we were going to sail over.

And all too soon, it was over. We went through it and then it was done. I turned to Sasha and said “I want to do it again,” and she smiled and said she did too. We meant it.

The rest of the trip was relaxed with a few rapids here and there and by that time, Sasha and I felt like pro’s and almost yawned through them. We laid back and looked at the mountains and just let the raft go where it wanted to go. We were burnt, tired and thirsty. I made a mental note to bring more water the next time because I was coming back and I was going to do this over and over again.

At the end of the river, there are people waiting for us. They are smiling at us and helping us. These are wonderful people and I love them. They asked if we had fun and I tell them I want to turn around and do it again. They give us snacks and water and lemonade. My finger hurts and I look down at where my nail broke off at the quick:

This was the only casualty I had. No problem. I’ll shorten the other nails to make sure it all looks right.

My new attitude is that I am going to beat this river and I am going to beat anything in my life that I think is bigger and stronger than me.

Screw that old bad attitude from before,  right?

Attitude, baby. It’s all in the attitude.

Let’s pretend, shall we?

Posted: June 26, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Let’s pretend, shall we?

Yeah, we should do this.

It’s fun and besides, it’s free and no one needs to know.

Well, except me, of course. But that’s OK.

Did you want me to go first? I don’t mind. Maybe you’re feeling a bit shy, so I’ll start.

The first thing I am pretending is that my cat Boots, doesn’t pee on everything in the house. You know, it’s annoying and I realize most people would toss the cat outside, but not me.

Besides this is MY illusion and therefore I get to do what I want. I am in charge of him, so I don’t want him outside because I would always worry about him and feel horrible. So, I am pretending he always uses his litter box and never misses.

Let’s pretend that both of them no longer use my furniture as a scratching post. Instead they feel no need to shred anything of mine and always let me sleep through the night even if there is a pack of raccoons wandering around in the yard. They no longer announce in the middle of the night that our household is currently at Defcon 5 because of the raccoons and that I must get up immediately and deal with it, pronto!

Oh, and since we are on this subject, let’s pretend that I also still have all my pets and they never died. Roscoe is still being grumpy, Shadow is still wagging his tail while Maverick throws his head around and wants to play and Renegade is crinkling his nose and boxing his brothers.

They are all still here and always will be, along with my brother and Dad.

Yeah, this is a really nice place to be today.

Let’s see, what else do I want to pretend?

(Thinking here…give me a second)

Oh yeah, of course! I am pretending that I finished my book and it’s published. I’m at a book signing event and THERE YOU ARE! Of course you are there. We finally get to meet after all this time. We go out to dinner (I blow off all my peeps) and we have a great time, stay up all night eating and drinking and talking and smoking cigars.

We bond. It’s fun. And come to find out, smoking cigars is good for you.

This next one is a bit hard, but since I started this, might as well be honest.

I’m pretending that the deep buried feeling of loneliness is gone. Poof! There it went! All gone, right? Everything is good now. (This one may need repeating because it’s stubborn). It sort of comes and goes but that’s OK. As for today, buh bye! (Waving hand here).

See, even as I write this, a warm sense of happiness starts in my toes and moves up my legs and makes it all the way to the top of my head. I don’t know what sensation happiness gives you, but for me it is a feeling of lightness, like my body just got smaller as I got bigger.

Another one I like is that I still laugh as much as I normally do, but NO MORE LAUGH LINES! Damn, who needs these anyway? Not me! I don’t care what anyone says about them, they need to go and don’t give me any BS about products that get rid of them. They all lie. All those commercials lie and I know this because I’ve tried every damn product out there and guess what? They don’t work, so for today, all laugh lines are gone. Period! End of discussion.

For today, you subscribe to my blog and I subscribe to yours and we talk, all the time. We have fun and we exist on our own planet and anyone that doesn’t like it can go away. Screw them, right? I never liked them anyway, so now it’s official. Just you and me and what we talk about and the fun we have. That’s what’s important – the fun we have. The “getting to know each other” part that makes you look forward to talking to your friend again as soon as you’ve logged off or hung-up the phone.

Speaking of subscribers, not only are you one of them, but my family subscribes too. It’s weird that they don’t, but for today they do and they like it. It’s nice when your family supports you, don’t you think? Yes, me too, so let’s pretend that everyone we know loves what we write and get all fussy and grumpy until our next posting appears. We liked getting bugged by our readers, don’t we?

Yes we do, oh yes we do! Plus we love it when we log on and have too many emails to deal with but because you and I are so dedicated to what we do, we stay up late and make sure to write back to everyone because we care.

The things we pretended as a child are still there. Maybe a bit buried or forgotten for now, but go ahead and dig them up. It’s OK because I said so. Now you just need to say so and there it will be.

No, don’t look around and ask for permission on this. Come back here and tell me what you want to pretend. Whisper it in my ear, if you want. Fine by me.

Tell me all about your planet. It’s only fair because I just told you about mine.

(Leaning forward to hear you).

Harasssment at work? Coffee helps.

Posted: June 23, 2011 in funny stories
Tags: , ,

It is very likely that if you’re a woman walking around on planet Earth these days, you will run into this problem.

The funny thing is, it will have absolutely nothing to do with who you are, what you do or even how you look.  Though I would suspect that if a bottom feeder does find you attractive, you’ll probably have a higher risk of this. That seems to be the nature of the beast. And I do mean beast. I am a writer and I pick my words carefully.

The first time it happened to me, I was young, naïve and it took me a few minutes to catch on to what had just happened.

I was in a business meeting with my boss and a very important client. This client was very wealthy and a dear friend of my boss. I was learning the ropes in the insurance industry and had gotten my license recently. My boss wanted me to learn about commercial insurance, so I would often tag along with him. I had to sit still, be quiet and take notes. This was not easy for me, but I did it anyway.

I am naturally inquisitive and like to ask questions when I don’t understand something, but because I was there to listen and learn I would just make notes on any questions I had.

The meeting consisted of my boss, the client and his son and their new partner. Let’s call the partner Dick.

Dick was a blow hard. He was arrogant and was rich beyond anything I could imagine on my meager salary. The client was in real estate and Dick decided he wanted to dabble in it, so he bought into the client’s business as a partner and had ordered the meeting with us to decide if we were good enough to now handle his needs. Yeah, HIS needs.

I admit I did not like this man but I kept my mouth shut. I did not like the way he talked to my boss or anyone else in the room, so I kept my gaze down because I am easy to read just by looking at my face. I maintained a pleasant smile and did my best to practice my poker face, which to this day I completely suck at.

Dick ran the entire meeting. He was belligerent and I could see the people in the room trying to appease him. I had a bad feeling about the whole thing and realized we weren’t going to be able to convince him to keep us on as his insurance agents. I could tell he was there just to let all of us know that we weren’t good enough and that he had someone else he wanted to use.

Loosing this account was going to cost our company over $100,000.00 in commissions a year. I could see what was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. I kept my mouth shut and my head down.

Dick was sitting to my right, at the head of the table. Of course he was at the head of the table. My boss was to my left and the client and his son were sitting across from me

About an hour into the meeting, I suddenly feel a hand on my knee and then felt it go up my leg and give my thigh a squeeze. I almost jumped out of my chair. No one noticed as I snapped my head towards Dick. He kept his gaze steady as he talked to the clients while he rubbed my leg under the table.

I tried to move away but he held on. I put my hand under the table and pinched his hand as hard as I could. He jerked but let go. I moved my chair back and away from him. I said nothing because I didn’t know what to say or do.

I sat there confused, hurt and angry. Part of me wanted to get up and walk out but I knew that would look bad for our company. Another part of me wanted to find my nail file in my purse and stab him in his leg with it and another part of me wanted to slap him across his face.

Since I couldn’t decide what to do, I remained silent and I thought. I thought long and hard.

Towards the end of the meeting, I got up and poured myself a cup of coffee. I sat back down. The meeting was ending and I sat very still.

As everyone was standing up and starting to shake hands, I stood up before Dick did and accidentally poured my cup of hot steaming coffee onto his lap. Watching him jump up and scream made my heart sing. Watching him jump around was icing on the cake.

I had spoken to him and only him and I knew I had just put the last nail in our coffin.

I batted my eyes and told him how sorry I was and that it was just an accident. He glared at me, muttered something under his breath and stormed out of the room.

I kept apologizing and everyone said not to worry. I secretly grinned all the way back to the office. My boss was very understanding and said he knew we were going to lose the account regardless of the coffee incident but admitted he thought it was funny. He also knew we had lost account long before we walked into the meeting. I learned from him that sometimes you just can’t control what a client will do and the best thing is to just let them do what they want to do and don’t feel you had failed.

We did lose the account the next week.

That was fine by me. We ended up writing another large account. Our doors remained opened, we weathered the storm and kept our integrity in.

Plus I learned how to handle sexual harassment all by myself. Yeah me!

So never underestimate the power of a pissed off woman.

If you sexually harass us, we can handle it. It just takes a cup of coffee and life is good again.

Will date for food

Posted: June 21, 2011 in funny stories
Tags: , ,

Yes, I have done this and though I would rather die than admit this to the men I have done this to, I will say that a good friend of mine just told me about doing the same thing.

I was sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon with my trusted laptop, writing and trying to put a story together for a writing contest. I was feeling the usual feelings of wracking my brain trying to be brilliant rather than just write the damn story when my phone rang.

This was the distraction I needed so badly and I answered the phone, knowing it was my friend Debra because I have really cool ring tones for every contact in my phone. This is technology that I love because I don’t even have to look at the phone to know who is calling nd depending on my mood, I either answer or let it go to voicemail. To me, this is the ultimate in being lazy and I cherish it.

I answered because I was just getting absolutely nowhere with my story plus I was feeling guilty about not writing much that week because I work 2 jobs and if I don’t write enough, I start to feel emotionally sluggish. Sort of a stale feeling comes over me and then I start to get nervous about even going near my laptop unless it is to play solitaire.

I grabbed the phone, hit the talk button and say hello.

“Susan, guess where I am going?”

I can tell Debra is in her car.

“You are leaving town, moving to Nevada to work as a hooker at a ranch.” Debra had recently been laid off from her job because her boss had died and the family was cutting costs by bringing in relatives, have them do the work and not pay them as much.

I hear her belly laugh. “No, I am on my way to meet a guy for a blind date.”

Debra and I have been doing the internet dating scene and often compare stories. In fact, many of my friends tell me their stories and then ask me to write about them. It’s a strange little hobby of mine. Writing stories about my life and other people.

I immediately ask her for all the details about this new guy. Debra and I are very different in our approach to internet dating. I hate it. She likes it. I really don’t want to meet any of them. She loves to meet as many people as possible and as quickly as possible. I only meet them after weeks of emailing and then maybe a few weeks of talking on the phone and then if I am still interested, I might meet them. But by then they have “moved on” (a very popular saying for internet dating along with “He’s just not that in to you” when the men you are talking to suddenly disappear) and I forget about the free website I am on until another email arrives from someone I don’t know who has just sent me their phone number or instant messaging address and is just dying to “chat”, which is another term that I don’t quite understand.

Hence, she has a lot of dates and I have very few.

“Well, I’m driving half way to meet him and he’s really good looking and that bothers me, but I’m going anyway.”

“Ah, yeah, the ‘good looking’ problem. How come you are making an exception for this one?” I ask. Both Debra and I don’t like to date drop dead gorgeous men because, well, it makes us a bit uncomfortable and very often, they haven’t developed much of a personality because they don’t have to. Women can get away with this much easier than men because men are men and I don’t think it needs much more of an explanation than that.

“Because I’m hungry and we are meeting for dinner.”

“So, you are now dating for food, is that it?” I say as I start laughing. I knew just what she was talking about but I had never told anyone that I have done it many times.

I hear her laugh again and I know this is why she is going. She’s broke, she doesn’t know what to do or where to go and this will be a nice distraction. It has to be something like that because she said he was really good looking.

“Yes, I guess you could say that. I figure I’ll meet him, get something to eat because I haven’t eaten all day and maybe have some fun.”

“Look Deb, women have been doing this for thousands of years and I think you should go for it. Be sure to order a huge meal so you can get a doggie bag and have some food for tomorrow. Be nice to him, don’t be rude and have some fun. Who knows, you might really like him and hit it off.”

She is quiet for a second and then says “Do you really think it’s OK to do this? I mean, I haven’t really talked to him much, but he seems like a nice guy.”

“Hell, Deb, you’ve married men for less than that.”

“That’s true” she says.

“Yes, it’s fine. You are meeting in a public place, driving yourself and then coming home. Just don’t do something stupid and call me as soon as you are leaving.”

She agrees and hangs up and I continue with my day on the couch with my laptop and some Ben & Jerry’s for dinner.

About 2 hours later, she calls back and I grab the phone.

“So Deb, how was dinner?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I never got to eat.”

This is not good and she sounds distant and I am suddenly worried.

“Are you OK?” I ask.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Everything is fine but you will not believe what happened.”

She proceeds to tell me the story. She arrives at the restaurant and he was all ready seated and waiting for her. The first thing she notices was that he was just finishing a beer and yet she recalls he was adamant that he didn’t drink. They greet each other and he doesn’t offer her anything to drink, so she goes to the bar herself to order something.

As she sits down, the waitress gives him another drink and while they are talking, he finishes that one and orders another one. He is even better looking in person.

She is watching this and though she doesn’t really care if he drinks or not, she is starting to sense that he definitely has a drinking problem and says nothing.

The waitress comes over to take their order for dinner and he blows her off and tells her to come back later. They chat for a while and then Debra gets up to use the bathroom and he follows her.

When she comes out, he is standing there, leering at her and grabs her butt and pulls her towards him. His tongue is sticking out and laying flat on his chin and he takes his right hand, grabs the back of her head and pushes her lips onto his tongue.

While she is telling me this, I feel myself getting angrier and angrier but grateful she is fine.

“Sue it was like kissing a cows tongue! His tongue was just laying there on his chin and he pushed my face into it and it happened so fast I didn’t know what to do. Then I could tell he was really turned on and all I could think of was to get away from him as quickly as possible.”

“Yeah, but what about the doggie bag?” I asked. “You mean to tell me you drove all the way over there and you still didn’t get any food?”

She starts laughing. “No, I didn’t get any food! I pulled away and walked back to the table and grabbed my purse and left. The son of a bitch follows me out and wants to know where I want to go! He actually thought I wanted to get in his car with him and go somewhere else!”

I shake my head and find it hard to believe that anyone would act this way and then I remember several first dates of my own. I am the Queen of first dates and rarely have a second date.

“Are you kidding me? He wanted you to get in his CAR?” I ask.

“Yes! So I told him I would just follow him and he gets in his car and starts driving and I pulled out of the parking lot and took off the other way.”

“Let me guess” I say. “He started calling you after about 10 seconds, right?”

“Right.”

“You didn’t answer, did you?” I ask, holding my breath.

“Hell no! I’m still on my way home and he’s called about 5 times and sent 3 text messages, wondering if I got lost. The idiot is probably pulled over on the side of the road, waiting for me.”

This gets me to giggling, just visualizing this man who looks like he just stepped out of a GQ ad, drunk and by the side of the road, sending text after text and constantly hitting the “talk” button on his cell phone, waiting for Deb to come around the corner with absolutely no clue about his offensive and disturbing behavior.

“Well, I’m glad you are OK.”

“I’m fine, just hungry, that’s all. Really ticks me off I didn’t get any food out of this. Oh well, maybe next time.”

“Deb, with you, there will always be a next time.”

“Sue, you have to promise me something.”

I already know what it is, but I’ll bite.

“Sure. What is it?”

“That the next time I decide to date for food, you will remind me of this date and stop me.”

“But what if you are really hungry and have no money?”

I can actually hear her thinking about this as she drives down the road on her cell phone.

“Send me some money and I promise to go have dinner by myself.”

“I promise.”

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