Archive for July, 2011

Self-esteem. Lesson #2. Take Responsibility

Posted: July 25, 2011 in Self-esteem, self-respect
Tags: , ,

OK, hopefully by now you’ve done the first lesson – deciding to have self-esteem.

If you have done that, then good for you. If you haven’t, go back and read the first lesson and when you’ve done that, come back to this one. Based on the emails I’ve been receiving (and I think I’m caught up on all of my responses) many of my readers are enjoying this and have all ready noticed a big difference. I am always glad to hear this and to hear from you. Please keep them coming.

Now we go onto lesson #2 and it’s simple:

Take responsibility for your self-esteem

Sounds easy, right? Well, in theory it is but what I’ve come to learn and realize is that this is 24/7. When I use the word responsibility, I’m not talking about feeling bad or shameful or having the viewpoint that this is something you “just have to do because someone said so,” or anything along those lines.

What it means is accepting the fact that it is up to you to have it or not have it. It is a self-determined action you take because you want to and for no other reason than that.

Besides, who says you must have a reason for anything? You don’t. You can do something just because you want to.

Remember, you’re the only one that can give away or take back your self-esteem. No one else has that power over you but you. Self-esteem is only about how you feel and respect yourself. If it is high, then your actions will show it. The same is true if it is low.

Many years ago, I made some changes that actually helped me to feel better about myself. You might want to do them also and see if it helps you.

1)      Stopped buying and reading women’s magazines.

I grew up reading magazines for teenagers. I was fascinated by make-up and hair styles and clothes. Unfortunately for me at the time, I looked the exact opposite of what was fashionable. At that time, everyone wanted straight blonde hair. I have curly and unruly black hair.

I spent most of my teenage years with large curlers in my hair with a cap. This complimented the braces, headgear and acne cream that was slathered all over my face. The 30 extra pounds I was carrying was just a bonus.

At that time, Yardley was the most popular brand and eventually Twiggy arrived on the scene and the excessive dieting started. As hard as I tried, there was nothing I could do about my hair. It was hopeless, but my whole life was devoted to straightening it and then avoiding any and all situations that would make my hair frizz. This meant never going to San Francisco unless I could tie my hair back. I lived in the pool as a child but the moment I decided I wanted to look like everyone else, I stopped going and the few times I did go, I made sure not to get my hair wet.

Yes, it is possible to go swimming without getting your hair wet. It’s very difficult and requires a tremendous amount of maneuvering and staying away from anyone who might splash you. I became very good at treading water in an attempt to look super cool.

I hated getting out of the pool and would rush back to the lounge chairs and try to cover up what my brothers referred to as “thunder thighs” while at the same time feeling quite envious of the thin, tan and blonde girls.

But I was reading these magazines all the time along with every romance novel I could find. I was convinced that if I just bought the next product I would be the way they said I was supposed to be.

I kept this up until my mid-30’s when I realized that I had been reading the same articles for years. Sure, it was a different name of the product but the message was the same – “You’ll never be good enough until you a) buy this product or b) wear this outfit or c) look exactly like these models.”

The reason these models get paid so much is because NO ONE looks like them. I starved myself. I got up every morning and jogged in the dark with my Mom and a neighbor. I drank diet sodas, stopped eating sugar and no matter what I did or how much weight I lost, I still didn’t feel like I was good enough.

Why? Was it because of what the magazines and TV shows were telling me? Not really, though they aren’t much help because in order to sell you something they first have to make you feel like you need to change something about yourself.

No, I felt this way because I agreed with them. I held the magazines and TV shows up as the right way to be for me. I decided that they knew who and what I should be and as long as I kept buying into it, they would continue to sell it.

There wasn’t a particular moment of clarity for me but I do remember the last magazine I bought. I don’t even remember the name of it, but I felt myself feeling worse and worse about myself until I threw it across the room and watched it hit the wall and fall to the floor.

I was done and I haven’t looked back since.

I also stopped worrying about how I looked or what I weighed. Instead I researched and concentrated on my health and let the weight go where it wanted to go.

I disagreed completely and totally with all of it.

I let my hair be curly and I wore what I liked and what I could afford.

Then I did the next thing:

2)      Stopped watching TV.

This is a hard one for most. At the time, we didn’t have the internet and I would watch a movie once in a while, but I stayed away from any form of entertainment that I thought was stupid and mindless. I would read a book or call someone and the few times I would sit in front of the TV, I would be very selective about what I watched. I would still be envious of the perfect women with perfect clothes and make-up and hair, but now I was aware that it made me feel bad about myself. When that happened I would:

3)      Find something I liked about myself.

This could be anything from my smile to my curly hair to my uneven jaw. It didn’t matter just as long as I found something that I liked. It works every time.

So when we are talking about taking responsibility for yourself, it is acknowledging the fact that you control how you feel about yourself and all of your actions. It’s also admitting that outside influences affect us and deciding to either not let them or disagreeing with them to such an extent that we remove them from our lives.

I strongly suggest staying away from anyone or anything that makes you feel less than great about yourself.

In summary, try doing the following this week:

1)      Don’t buy or read another woman’s magazine.

2)      Turn off the TV and internet and find something else to do like reading, writing, walking. Anything except watching TV.

3)      Everyday write down one or more things that you like about yourself.

4)      Email it to me and let me know how you are doing.

I have the utmost faith and confidence in you. Disagree with anyone who tells you who you should be or how you should look. They don’t know what they are talking about.

Even me if you think so. How you feel about yourself is senior to anyone else. What you think is what you think and you don’t need anyone’s approval. Not now. Not ever.

Self-esteem. Lesson #1. Decide

Posted: July 18, 2011 in Self-esteem, self-respect

Lessons in self-esteem.

Esteem: To consider good or important; value highly. Self-esteem would then be to regard oneself in this way.

What do you think? You think we need a little bit more of this in ourselves and others? I sure do.

I’m not famous, I’m not published and I’m not someone who has a book to sell or a workshop or CD’s anything else to sell you. Hell, I didn’t even go to college so I don’t have any fancy degrees.

But I’ve been working with people my entire life and I’ve noticed a subtle but important change in people over the years and it startled me.

People in general don’t seem to like themselves very much. I see this in so many ways:

1)       Feeling inferior or uncertain.

2)       Scared about failure so not even taking one step towards something they want.

3)       Sleeping with anyone that comes along that has a pulse.

4)       Obsession with one’s looks.

5)       Obsession with one’s weight.

6)       Convinced they must have someone (boyfriend/girlfriend) in their lives to feel value.

7)       Staying in an abusive relationship because they are afraid to be alone.

8)       Looking to others for self-esteem.

9)       Thinking what people think of them is more important than their opinion of themselves.

10)   Feeling unworthy.

And my favorite sign of lack of self-esteem:

11)   Insisting and enforcing their viewpoint that they have it. This is almost always done in a hostile tone.

This list goes on, but you get my point.

I decided to put together all of my experiences in this subject along with what I have found has worked for me and for others. My intent is to open this up to anyone that has an interest in improving their own sense of value and hope that it helps you.

In any course you take it is best approached step-by-step. Do one thing really well and then go onto the next thing. There are a couple of key things that I am going to start with because without them you won’t be as successful.

The most important thing to know about self-esteem is this: If you don’t have it, it’s because you gave it away. No one took it from you. You wrapped it up in a pretty little package and gave it away. Everyone does this for a different reason and none of those reasons are relevant or important.

Why? Because you’re going to get it back, all by yourself, and I don’t care why you gave it away  in the first place. Getting back one’s self-esteem has nothing to do with what happened in the past and has everything to do with today and tomorrow.

So your first step is to DECIDE you are going to get it back.

Remember when you were a child and life was fun? You were anyone you wanted to be and it was real. You could fly, dance, sing and in your mind you went to wonderful places and met fun people. Maybe you actually did go there and meet those people. You knew no one was better than you. You had your dreams and they were real and alive and you KNEW it.

Take a moment and think back to a time when you were happy. Find the happiest moment you can and don’t read further until you have that moment back.

Take your time and enjoy it. I’ll wait….

That moment when you were your happiest is still there and it’s real. OK, I get that it’s buried a bit or maybe a lot, but it’s there, right? That’s what you want back. There’s only one thing we really want and that’s to be happy.

But you can’t be happy if you don’t like yourself anymore.

And believe me no one will ever love you like you love yourself. It’s not possible. So if you don’t like yourself much then what you get back is more of the same. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will.

We’ve all heard that cliché that I just typed and I was going to apologize for it, but in this case it happens to be true.

So the first step is deciding that you are worth the effort, that you want it back and then some (it’s always a good idea to have some in reserve for when life smack you upside your head) and that you are going to do it.

Now a word of caution; the second you make this decision, you might feel a backlash come in. This can come from previous failures or remembering times when you hated yourself or something bad that you had done. You might feel anything from shame, blame, regret or anger. Negative emotions will come in.

Ignore it. Ignore it. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. It doesn’t matter what you have done up to this minute. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’ve done or not done. Shove it aside and keep doing that. Just keep repeating the decision to yourself.

In other words DISAGREE with anything negative you feel or think about yourself. Just disagree.

This is your first lesson. There will be more to come as this is a gradient approach and it is unique and personal to each person. We all have our problems and none of us are perfect, but at least we are standing at the plate and swinging.

More lessons to come, so if you want to receive them, please subscribe to this blog. If you find this helpful, please tell others to come on board. I would really like your feedback on how it’s going as we walk down this path together. Whoever you are, I know you are valuable. I just want to make sure you know that too.

I am more than happy to help anyone one-on-one, so if you would like to do that, subscribe and then follow me on GooglePlus and send me an email. I am also on Twitter.

Don’t play chicken with me

Posted: July 14, 2011 in funny stories, Pets
Tags: ,

Sometimes in life, you have to stand up for yourself and let the chips fall where they may. You have to speak out and not worry about the consequences. If you think about it, you might not do it.

I was walking my dog Maverick last year. It was twilight but a warm evening in the summer. Maverick was getting older and wasn’t feeling great, so I made sure to give him short walks. He and I both needed to get out of the house that night.

We were just turning the corner on our street. I saw three men standing on the sidewalk ahead of us with a couple of dogs. Because Maverick liked to bark and have a tizzy fit anytime he saw another dog, I walked us into the street and figured we would get back on the sidewalk after we passed them.

As we were walking by, Maverick started to get excited, but I reined him in. The two dogs were smaller and could have been pit bulls or some similar mix. I personally love pit bulls and don’t buy all the crap that is said about them. But the guys standing there had the full “gang banger” look going on.

As we walked by, one of the dogs barked and we kept walking. As we passed and returned to the sidewalk, I heard one of the men start to yell at his dog to shut-up and then I heard the dog yelping. He was hitting his dog.

No, I don’t think so.

I froze. I was about four houses down from them, but it was a quiet night. I turned around and yelled back at the man to knock it off.

I was a bit surprised those words came out of my mouth, but that’s what happens when you speak before thinking.

“What did you say, bitch?” was the reply.

I froze but Maverick kept walking. I felt the leash tug for a moment. My heart was racing and it suddenly dawned on me what I had done. I wanted to just keep walking but the sounds of that dog crying and him yelling at it were still in my head. I thought about what would happen to the dog if I just walked away and I couldn’t do it. I looked down at Maverick and knew I would never let anyone harm a hair on him and that I would do whatever I could if someone tried.

The dog that was getting beaten was the same as Maverick to me. The love I felt for Maverick suddenly transferred over to him and I was not going to walk away.

I turned around.

“You heard me. Get your hands off that dog or I’ll come back there and make you do it,” I yelled back. Maverick was now looking up at me, worried. He knew I was upset and he was trying to figure out why. Because he was older and because I didn’t want him hurt, I tied him to a tree and told him I would be right back.

Just as I started to walk towards the men, one of them said “You can’t tell me what to do. It’s my dog.”

“That doesn’t matter, you idiot! You lay another hand on that dog and you’ll have to hit me too!”

“Oh really?” he said. I wasn’t bluffing. I meant it. I had made my decision and I was hoping that today wasn’t my day to die.

“I’ll tell you what  to do, when I want. You get your hands off of one of God’s creature or I’ll come over there and take your dog from you.  You understand me?” I yelled back. I had stopped walking towards them. My whole body was shaking and fear started to arrive again and I pushed it back. I had gone this far and wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but I knew I could not back down.

There was silence. I tried not to think or worry about myself. I was more worried about Maverick.

“Sorry ma’am, you’re right,” he said.

What? Did I really hear that?  Did I really back down a gang -banger or was this some insidious ploy to get me closer and then kill me?

“What did you say?” I yelled back. I was now three houses away from them. I started walking again. They weren’t moving and they looked so much taller and bigger than when I had first walked by. They turned towards me as I got nearer.

“I asked you a question. What did you say?” I asked as I came within twenty feet from them.

One man was kneeling down now, petting and stroking his dog. He was whispering in his ear. The other two men stood silently and watched. One of them knelt down and started to scratch the ear of the other dog, which began to wag his tail.

The man, who I think yelled at me, looked up, kissed his dog on his head and stood up. “I said you were right and I’m sorry I did that. It was wrong of me.”

All my anger and rage started to lift at that moment and I didn’t want it to. I wanted to stay angry at them. I was prepared to grab the dogs and run as fast as I could but I was not prepared for an apology. This threw me off.

I looked at them for a moment. My racing heart started to calm down but my body was shaking. I was prepared to get hurt to help the dogs but I didn’t expect this fight to be over so quickly.

“OK, then. You ever hit another one of God’s creatures again I’ll make sure you pay for it. Somehow.  Someway.” I said with no idea how I could ever back-up that statement, but I was way past the point of thinking.

“Yes ma’am,” was all he said. The other two men nodded their heads in agreement.

I looked down at the dogs. They were happy and healthy and showed no signs of abuse. I smiled at them, turned and walked away.

I untied Maverick and we began walking again. I walked past my house and went around the corner. As brave as I might have been, I didn’t want them to know where I lived in case they had a change of heart. Maverick and I laid low around the corner for a few minutes. We kept peeking around the bush to see if they had left yet. Once they did, we came back around and almost ran up the driveway and into the house.

I may be crazy but I am not stupid!

Why I hate my cats

Posted: July 7, 2011 in Pets
Tags: , ,

I suppose using the word hate is a bit strong, but I must admit there are times when they just really piss me off.

I’ve never hurt them or struck them, but I have been close.

I adopted them about four years ago when I realized that one of my dogs was on his way out of this world and approaching doggie heaven. Good old Shadow was getting old and since he had been an abused dog that  had been rescued from a very horrible man, I never knew his age. Shadow was one of those dogs that no one seemed to want. No good reason for it. Just not loved by anyone.

Sometimes I think animals are higher on the food chain than humans.

And now, years later, he was old and I knew he didn’t have much time left. My other dog Maverick still had a few years to go and I knew he would need company when Shadow left us.

So, I brought the two kittens home to keep Maverick company when Shadow was gone.

This is how cute they were when I brought them home:

Since that time, I have had two pieces of furniture destroyed – a couch and a recliner – and a rug. Come to find out, since I’ve never had male cats, they apparently like to “spray” around the house and since they are indoor cats, my house needs an incredible amount of marking to keep things straight between them.

I have also learned to check my shoes for cat pee BEFORE putting them on. I learned this the hard way when I was sitting and working with a client. We were talking and I crossed my legs. He stopped talking for a moment.

“That’s  odd.”

“What’s odd?” I ask.

“Well,  I suddenly smell cat pee. Hmmm, that doesn’t make sense.”

I felt myself turn red as I realized that it was me that smelled like cat pee. I excused myself and ran down the hall to the bathroom, flung the door open and took off my shoes. I stood there actually smelling my shoes and got a very strange look from a woman who walked in while I was doing this.

Sure enough, there was cat pee all over the bottom of my shoe. I washed them off in the sink with soap and water and dried them and went back to my office. I said nothing and neither did he.

Now in the morning, when I am getting dressed, I first check the floor of my closet for any wet spots and make sure no one came in during the night and claimed my shoes as theirs.

Their names are Boots and Scout. Boots is a tuxedo cat and his brother Scout is pure black. We do have some interesting conversations, even if I don’t know what we are talking about.

As time went by and my frustration with them grew, I began to doubt my decision. I never entertained the idea of not keeping them for their entire lives; I just didn’t know what to do. I was embarrassed to have anyone over until I could spend an hour scrubbing walls, doors, floors and furniture. They had been fixed and had actually started to calm down as they grew older.

This was just a nagging problem in my head that rattled around once in a while.

Well, finally the day arrived to put Shadow down. I was not prepared for that piece of news when I had taken him to the vet. He had slowed down and was starting to cry when he got up and I thought he just need some medicine for his arthritis.

After many tests and endless questions, it came back that he had advanced cancer. I knew what I needed to do at that time even though I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. Shadow had not had an easy or fair start to his life, but I had damned well given him a wonderful middle and now it was time to end it.

I held him and talked to him and told him what was going to happen. I know he understood and as always when faced with a problem and pain, he wagged his tail and smiled. He believed that by doing that, it would set everything straight and right again.

I gave him a piece of my soul and took a piece of his as I said my goodbye and promised him that when we saw each other again, we would give them back. He agreed and he still has a piece of my soul.

As the days went by and as my grief came and went, I was leaving for work one morning and looked over at Maverick. He was the last dog left out of four and had never been alone. That was why I had gotten the cats – I didn’t want my dear friend to be alone without his brothers while I was at work.

I turned to look at him as I was closing the door and saw Boots and Scout curled up with him as I walked out the door.

It was at that exact moment that I knew I had made the right decision. Yes, they had been difficult to have as pets and I learned to be patient and kind in a world that tested that daily in me. Yes, they had destroyed some of my furniture and at times would wake me up in the middle of the night when they went on rampages. And sometimes for fun, they would walk all over me while I was trying to sleep and insist that I talk to them and it would take every ounce of discipline that I had not to pick them up and throw them off the bed an onto the hard wood floor.

But looking at them curled up with Maverick and Maverick licking them and not giving me a second thought as I left for the day, all my frustration dissipated and to this day, I am grateful for their company.

I lost Maverick three years after Shadow and I still have Boots and Scout. People will often ask if you are a dog person or a cat person. I personally never got the memo that I had to choose and I still haven’t received it. And if I were to receive it, I would toss it away as unimportant and silly.

I may say I hate them under my breath, but the truth is, I am grateful for their company and affection and their constant demand for my love and attention. Where else can I get that from another living creature? I haven’t found it yet except from all my pets that I have known my entire life.

Yeah, they truly are a pain in the neck for me and I will never admit that to them. Why let them have the upper hand at this stage of the game?

Besides, I can always buy new furniture.

Got Attitude?

Posted: July 4, 2011 in funny stories
Tags: , ,

Attitude.

Yeah, it’s all about that, isn’t it?

The way you look at and think about things.

Attitude.  I learned about attitude yesterday when I went river rafting.

Yesterday.

First time ever.

And I lived to tell the tale.

I went up to Vanessa’s house, my niece, to go river rafting with her and her boyfriend Ryan:

(aren’t they cute?)

along with his daughter Daisey ( sorry, don’t have a picture of her, but trust me, she is adorable) and my sister and her boyfriend and their friend Sasha.

I assumed that all I would have to do was get on a raft and someone would guide us down the river and we would all sit back, drink beer and relax.

When we got there, there were tons of people and all of them looked like they knew what they were doing. As for me, all I knew was to lather up the sunscreen, wear tennis shoes and bring a hat. I thought far enough ahead to not bring my purse and cell phone because even I knew that cell phones don’t mix well with water.

Soon we were sitting down and this woman began to give us instructions on how to river raft.

What? I thought. You mean, I’m supposed to do this? All by myself?

Gulp.

I looked around and asked Sasha if she had ever done this.

She looks like I feel and shakes her head “No” and asks me the same question.

I shake my head no and then she gulps.

I look around and we are all looking at each other with the same look and question on our faces.

“Oh God,” I thought “I’m screwed,” and just continued to sit there with a ‘dear in the head light’ look on my face and a knot in my stomach. “I can’t do this. I’ve never paddled down a river and I haven’t been in a raft since I was a kid and that time my Dad was paddling,” I kept thinking.

Then I thought about the rapids. There are these things called ‘rapids’ in this river because that’s the whole point of this; going down a river in a small little rubber raft with a paddle and then hitting the rapids and dying.

I was going to die today.

The lady stopped talking and all I could remember were the parts about what to do if you get thrown from the raft – lay flat and keep your feet up and look at your toes – and the other part about someone shattering their legs and having to be rescued with a helicopter.

I didn’t remember anything else.

I grabbed Sasha and looked at her and we decided we would do this together. We both said we didn’t know what we were doing.

“Yeah, but they know we’ve never done this before, right?” I asked.

She nods her head.

“So, if it wasn’t safe, they wouldn’t let us do it, right? Right?” I asked. I could hear my voice getting an odd strange, high pitch to it.

She nods her head and says “Yes, that’s right. Jeez, I’ve never done this before either,” and we both agree we’ll share a raft and she will sit in the back and be the captain and I’ll be the first mate.

Which means I’ll be in front and see our death coming before she does. Well, she’s much younger than me, so she’ll have a few more seconds of life.

We walk towards the rafts and get one. Then we each get a paddle and put on our life jackets. We march down towards the lake, carrying this raft that is heavy and awkward.

I am watching everyone else get their gear and I try to act like I know what I am doing. I am wondering why we don’t have crash helmets but I don’t want to ask and look stupid.

We finally reach the river and a staff member helps us load the raft into the river. People have already started down and I know there’s no stopping now. I’m going to do this.

They help us into the raft and I sit down on the bottom of it. The staff member nicely shows me where I’m supposed to sit and it’s not on the floor of the raft. I thank him, Sasha climbs in and they shove us off.

Sasha and I had been jabbering about neither one of us knew what we were doing but decided to go ahead and do it anyway. We thought if everyone else was going, we would to and not be a couple of scared little girls even though we were.

So off we went and I kept trying to remember if I put the paddle on the left, it makes us go to the right. Sasha was trying to the same thing and for our first adventure down a river we consistently went the exact opposite direction we wanted to go.

But the river was calm and smooth and we splashed water on the people we knew and we were soon referring to our adventure as bumper rafts because we kept running into other rafts.

But everyone was laughing and there were tons of us out there, so I figured if I fell out and started drowning, someone would pull me out and maybe I wouldn’t die.

I thought that until I could hear the first rapid off in the distance. It was waiting for us and we couldn’t figure out how to stop the raft and turn it around. The river was still and calm and death was waiting for me, just up ahead.

I turned and looked at Sasha and she gave me a weak smile. “Well, here we go,” I said and gave her a weak smile and thumbs up.

I watched as other went through it.  Our raft became a magnet for all the rocks and we kept getting stuck. I would try to push us off and Sasha would paddle and suddenly we were going towards the rapid but facing away from it.

I felt like an idiot and no matter how we paddled, we could not get turned around. At least this way I wouldn’t have to see what lay ahead.

The next thing I know, we are being pulled and shoved through a massive amount of water. There are rocks everywhere but we keep going. Sasha is paddling and smacks me in the back of my head with her paddle. She doesn’t even know she’s done that as panic has set in on us and all we can do is scream. At some point we get turned around and before I know it, we are through it and it’s behind us.

I lie back in the raft and laugh. It was fun even though I screamed. Sasha is laughing too and we are very proud of ourselves.

We feel cocky.

Ryan and Vanessa come by. Ryan knows this river like the back of his hand and is an expert on rafting. We had tried to just follow them, but since we had no idea how to steer the damn raft, we were on our own.  My sister and Mike are somewhere behind us and we watch them go through the rapids easily. They come by and we start splashing each other. It’s very hot and I just want to jump in the river and swim. Our raft is full of water, so Ryan helps us to the bank and we get out and dump out all the water. We had to do this four times during our trip.

Then Ryan mentions two rapids coming up. One is called “The Widow Maker” and the other is called “The Mother.”

My heart stops. My new-found cockiness leaves me. Sasha and I stare at each other with our mouths open.

“The Widow Maker? The Mother?” I ask sheepishly.

Ryan nods and chuckles. “Don’t worry, you’ll both be fine,” and paddles away.

I can hear him chuckling.

We start paddling and Sasha and I keep telling each other we can do it. We are a couple of miles down the river and had already stopped a few times, had a snack, swam in the river and I was feeling confident and fine about my new expert abilities to maneuver a raft.

So off we go. The river is too calm for my taste because I know what’s up ahead.

TheWidow Maker.

The Mother.

We hear it off in the distance. We stop paddling and let the river pull us along. I have visions of helicopters pulling my dead, wet body from the rapids as it’s stuck on a rock and twisted in all directions.

The movie “Deliverance” begins to flash through my mind.

Then I see it ahead of us. I see people have pulled over to the banks.

They are smarter than us.

I turn around and look at Sasha.

We are going to go for it.

So we start paddling as fast as we can and stay behind Ryan. He sees us and smiles and waves. We wave back.

We hit a small rapid, but we hit it wrong. I look over and suddenly Sasha is floating past me, trying to grab the raft. In my hazy thinking, my first thought is “She’s not supposed to be swimming by” and I reach out my hand and grab her. She’s laughing and a bit scared and I can’t quite get my balance.

I can’t hold onto her and lose my grip. She’s right there but being pushed away. I grab my paddle and hold it out to her. She grabs it and I hold on. She finds the bottom of the river and stands up. I am so glad the water isn’t deep and I pull her in. We somehow manage to get her back into the raft. We start laughing and I tell her that’s what she gets for smacking my head so many times with her paddle.

We hit a calm spot. She tells me she’s fine and wasn’t that scared, just surprised because it happened so fast. One moment you’re fine and the next thing you’re thrown into the river.

I finally am grateful for the life jackets and so is she because we know “The Widow Maker” is next. All I can think of is if a smaller rapid knocked her out of the raft, what the hell is this next one going to be like?

I have a new attitude. We are going to do this one and the next one and it will be fun and I will like it. This river has begun to talk to me a little but I’m not sure if it’s taunting me and making fun of me or not.

I decide we are going to go through this and survive.

I paddle faster even though I am exhausted and sunburned and thirsty. We’ve been on the river all day and still have a long trip back.

Suddenly there is it and it’s huge. There are gigantic rocks everywhere, just pulling our raft towards them. There are people standing around, watching and taking pictures. I see my screaming face posted on YouTube and getting a million hits and shared on Facebook.

We are trying to figure out how to approach it, but it’s no use. The river has us and is pushing and pulling us along and we have no control. I hear Sasha say, over and over, “Oh geez, here we go” and she’s paddling and hits me in the head again with her paddle. She apologizes and it doesn’t bother me. Getting hit in the head with a paddle is the last thing I am worried about.

Then we are in it and get pushed everywhere. I get knocked off my ass and end up laying flat on my back, holding onto my paddle. Water is gushing in because we are now lodged between two rocks and can’t move. Sasha gets knocked on her ass too and we just lie there.

We can’t stop laughing. The water feels amazing. Our raft is filling up and we can’t move. Someone is up above on a rock, looking down at us. I cry out “I LOVE THIS!” and he smiles and suddenly we are moving again. We sit up and start cheering. There’s someone on the bank and they are taking pictures and laughing with us. We hold up our paddles and scream “We want to do it again” as we float by.

No one died. We survived and the river is my friend again. We pull over and dump the water out of our raft and laugh as we slip on the rocks and pull each other up.

We are strong women who just kicked the ass of the river with more to come. We know the next one is the hardest one. “The Mother” is waiting for us and we are going to beat it.

We have a few minutes to relax. We drink some water and look for our friends. My sister and Mike couldn’t go on after the first rapid, so I know they are OK. Ryan, Vanessa and Daisy are ahead of us. We get ahead of them and Ryan tells us “Go through the middle of the bridge and then stay left. Just stay left and you’ll be OK.” We act like we know how to do this.

Up ahead, right past the bridge, there is a guy and he’s flagging us. My heart stops. They need a flagman to get us through this? Oh, this is not good, but on we go.

We go through the middle of the bridge and figure out how to stay left. He gives us a high 5 and the next thing we know, we are going all over the place. We are hitting rocks and sailing over them.
We are screaming. We are afraid, alive and happy. We bounce here and there. I get knocked on my ass again at the same time the raft hits a rock and we are sailing through the air again. There is water everywhere and as I push myself up, I slam my hand into the side of the boat to get up and a feel one of my nails get pushed back and tear. It hurts but I don’t pay any attention.

We are then swept away and have no control. This is a huge one and it seems endless. I can’t see the end of it because we are being tossed and pulled and pushed in all directions. Water is slamming our raft, our faces and our bodies. We are drenched again, over and over. I hold on tight to the ropes on the side of the raft. Water gets in my mouth because I am laughing and screaming.

I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this alive. I didn’t care what happened because each and every moment of this was fun and I didn’t want it to stop. I felt every movement of it, every rock, twist and turn. Every time we got slammed and pushed I loved. I was outside my element and it felt great. All that mattered was the next turn, the next gushing wave of water to hit me in the face, the next rock that we were going to sail over.

And all too soon, it was over. We went through it and then it was done. I turned to Sasha and said “I want to do it again,” and she smiled and said she did too. We meant it.

The rest of the trip was relaxed with a few rapids here and there and by that time, Sasha and I felt like pro’s and almost yawned through them. We laid back and looked at the mountains and just let the raft go where it wanted to go. We were burnt, tired and thirsty. I made a mental note to bring more water the next time because I was coming back and I was going to do this over and over again.

At the end of the river, there are people waiting for us. They are smiling at us and helping us. These are wonderful people and I love them. They asked if we had fun and I tell them I want to turn around and do it again. They give us snacks and water and lemonade. My finger hurts and I look down at where my nail broke off at the quick:

This was the only casualty I had. No problem. I’ll shorten the other nails to make sure it all looks right.

My new attitude is that I am going to beat this river and I am going to beat anything in my life that I think is bigger and stronger than me.

Screw that old bad attitude from before,  right?

Attitude, baby. It’s all in the attitude.